I am sure we have all been there – stuck with a commitment that we no longer want to keep, faced with a request for help from a friend, feeling caught up in the “shoulds” of parenting that extend to school and sports volunteering. With only so many hours in a day (and we all get the same amount) it often feels we are doing so much for others that we have little time left for ourselves.
We all have different interests, time available and personalities that influence what roles we take on. I know some people are very content with giving all the time – they like to be needed or to be of service to others (not the same thing) so a lot of their time is spent supporting others. Many parents feel the extra commitments are part of the job so do “their part” no matter what else is going on. Many people take on more at work hoping for the future pay off.
There is nothing wrong with any of that, just as there is nothing wrong with choosing a different path.
If you would rather cut back on obligations to have time for your own passions (or simply to have some buffer time to do nothing in a life that is already full), but feel stuck, this post is for you.
Knowing that we cannot do it all and be it all sometimes something has to give. We can ask for help or we can let things go. When you say “no” to things that are not important to you or do not serve your values and goals, you are saying “yes” to other things:
- what is really important to you
- opportunities that may come up later
- breathing room to enjoy life
- honouring yourself and your needs
- self care
It is not being selfish to take your own needs into account. We are not talking about never helping another person or opening yourself up to commitments. We are talking about making choices and feeling you have the right to say no to others in order to say yes to yourself or your family or your goals. Give yourself permission to let it go guilt-free.
For those who struggle with saying no (but want to) you can take a gentle approach to ease yourself out of the unwanted tasks and activities. As you say no over time you will find your voice and feel more comfortable – or maybe you will simply fall in love with the breathing room you create!
Have you been on the school planning committees and boards for years, but now you have an idea for a business you want to pursue and know you won’t have the time for it? Your thoughts might follow along the lines of – I would be letting them down, no one will fill in the gap, I made a commitment to my children’s school.
Think about easing yourself out of the major commitment and taking a more flexible secondary role. “I cannot be on the PTA next year, but am happy to join the subcommittee on library fundraising”. You are still committed to the school but have swapped 15 hours a week for 3.
Have you been a class parent two years running and now people look to you to take on that role even though you now have three kids at school? “I won’t be able to be a class parent this year, but please put my name down to help on 1 or 2 class trips or help with reading groups each Tuesday morning.”
Maybe you have taken on a special role in your church and have gone from feeling uplifted and connected to feeling stressed out and overcommitted. Can you approach someone and explain that you can no longer lead the group, but are happy to provide refreshments or support the person who takes over? You can help out while they replace you and transition out of your role without leaving anyone in the lurch.
The aim is to make sure you are carrying on with involvements that you want to rather than those that remain simply because you have yet to figure out a way out. If you love coaching the soccer team or leading guides 1-2 days a week that is the priority. If you want to be hands on in your child’s classroom then volunteer in class without taking on a planning role as well.
What can you / do you need / do you want to let go of? What have you wanted to make room for in your life?
Do you struggle with saying no?
Find your simple,
Deb
Image credit: Just say no by flickr user marc falardeau
I am linking up with jess for 
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Such wise words you share. Sometimes saying No is the best thing you can do. Of course much easier said than done. I need to work on saying it a bit more I think
Rhianna recently posted..Getting Priorities Sorted
so many things are easier said than done right? I am lucky that saying no is one of the things I am good at (personal boundaries are part of what keeps me almost-sane), but there are other areas that are my challenge
Debra Dane recently posted..In search of a family pet to love
Not only is it important to say no sometimes, it can be essential for your health. I learned the hard way that say yes to too many things can lead to people expecting big things from you all of the time. Anxiety disorder and panic attacks brought on by the pressure from others and ourselves is not nice.
Very true Melissa – many peoplerun themselves ragged this way – whether it adds to your anxiety, the pressure, the stress or simply the fact that it leaves less time to take care of yourself with the basics even
Debra Dane recently posted..Ramblings on motherhood
I could not agree with Melissa above more. There is nothing like anxiety to make you learn how to say no. Love these tips though x
Mrs Savage recently posted..Farmers Arms Hotel
Thanks! It is amazing how sometimes we have to learn the hard way, but the key is to learn at least. Many people keep pushing themselves and cannot let go / let themselves off the hook. xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Routines, Goals and Planning for creative and type B personalities
I used to struggle with saying no… But I have good news, the more you practice, the easier it becomes
Tat recently posted..Guest post: Parenting mindfully
Definitely – that is why if it is too much to come out and say no and you start with saying “no,but” you can gain strength and find that voice to start saying no without feeling the need to justify or compensate the disappointed party etc.
Debra Dane recently posted..Grateful for getting my groove back
Perfect timing… for the school holidays! I tend to end up with the neighbours’ daughter (who doesn’t listen to anyone, goes to bed when she wants, eats rubbish right before dinner time) at the time I am getting my two dinner and to bed from five onwards (early, according to her) and it just mucks up our whole going-to-be-without-a-fuss routine. The other day I took her in, only to have the younger siblings sent in a moment later and the mother left me to it! I’ve learnt now it is okay to turn her away and say ‘no’. Feel much better for it! And, lovely not to hear this six year old saying ‘so, have you cleaned the house yet?!’
Simply Kate recently posted..Lists, lists, lists
Good on you kate – you have to draw a line sometimes when it is not working for you (got to laugh about the have you cleaned the house yet though)
Debra Dane recently posted..In search of a family pet to love
This is exactly where I am at with the IBOT commenting, so I’m really glassed that you posted this today. I do love it, but I can’t do everything (which is so unfair!).
Lots of very wise words here, as usual, Deb
Jess recently posted..Keeping of the House, and Random Oddities
Jess did you see my post yesterday? I shared that with priorities I had to make choices and with SYL i broke it down and finally focused on planning the 52 weeks and content creation, with commenting having to fall to a lesser priority some weeks. I felt horrible and missed some of the connecting going on, but there is really only so much time and my hubby has spent the last 8 weeks working insane hours so i needed to be there for the kids and more down time than usual. You do what you have to xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..Ramblings on motherhood
Great tips, Deb. I’m pretty good at saying no, but find it hard to shake the guilt of doing so.
Decisions become so much more complicated when you’re part of a family too. It’s not just your own interests any more.
Tam recently posted..The night the Easter Rat came
Definitely complicated. guilt is a big part of the equation and i guess over time maybe that will lessen. xx
Debra Dane recently posted..It takes a village
I have been saying no for so long that I have to re-train myself to start saying yes!
I am a busy mum, I do work part time and I do spend time writing for various things, so I don’t have a LOT of time, but I do have some that I can give to something. You have got me thinking about this….
Great post!
B recently posted..RemembeRED – Grace in Awkwardness
I hear you – i am actually really good at saying no (but keeping my fingers in where needed) – it is amazing how you can make a habit of the opposite way. I am happy this gave you food for thought …I am sure you will find something that fits
Debra Dane recently posted..Grateful for getting my groove back
ALWAYS love your posts, and this one is so so important and one I REALLY struggle with. I am going to make it a priority to work on for myself. Thank you Deb x
Bianca recently posted..grateful, not guilty
Thanks lovely Bianca! I can only imagine how it goes for you as you are so busy and such a sweet and generous person (you have always been that way with me since I started this blogging gig!). You deserve a buffer or some down time hon!
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week fourteen: Time management – Planning}
Great post!! We do need to know it’s okay to say no. I tell my husband that all the time. He was a hard time saying no to our girls – but for some reason he is good at saying it to me. Rachel x
Rachel recently posted..Babushka Babushka Ya-ya
funny how that works rachel xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Grateful for getting my groove back
So needed to read this.
I said yes to too many things last year as a way of trying to get to know people in a new town.
I work fulltime in a position that takes me out of town alot, I’m currently secretary of the P&F at school (that will be going very soon), involved in women’s ministry and children’s ministry and try to keep my fulltime ministry studying husband on track with uni, his work, the house and the kids.
I’m on holidays for 2 weeks (while hubby is away at a residential) and am taking the time to regroup and work out what I want to do – for me.
I think that is a normal way to try to get comfortable and connected in a new place. It is good that you will regroup and now think about how you want to go forward that works fro you as well as connecting you with others. I hope you at least made a few friends through your involvements – good luck
Debra Dane recently posted..When you find what you were not even looking for
Very powerful thoughts indeed! As a matter of fact, I can easily say no (OK, except to my mother), it is my husband who suffers from not being able to say no to anyone. Besides, he does not seem to listen to me at all. He is always exhausted, he mostly thinks that it is getting too much.
Laura recently posted..Easter of a different kind
We all probably have one person we have a weakness for saying yes to ; )
I have definitely gotten better at this – now just need to work on not feeling guilty or what others think!
You always have such wise words Deb! So often we feel obliged to say Yes when its to our personal detriment. Good reminder
)
Chantel recently posted..Easter Treasure Hunt – Wordless Wednesday
Thanks Chantel – I do think so often we put others before ourselves – not just in saying yes to their needs over our own… a lot of that comes back to self love/ worth and valuing yourself and your needs highly without feeling selfish or “bad”
That is such sensible advice. A few weeks ago I was crying to my husband that I was so tired and wasn’t enjoying being a Mum and he came out with the very sensible comment that I was too busy. After I’d calmed down I thought about and made some changes. It was really hard to let some of the things I was doing go, and I did feel that I was letting people down, but in the end I did what was best for me and life is a happier place for it!
mummyateme recently posted..Real Life Barbie, Do We Really Want to Look Like That?