I have a secret to share – I am not “normal”.
Or am I?
This is what I have been pondering lately. Who decides what’s “normal”? Why does majority always have to rule?
I have received emails from people telling me something I wrote made them feel more “normal”. I know I have often read blog posts and articles online and felt the same way. I know the word normal really means “okay” to many people.
But why do we feel abnormal in the first place?
As a PND survivor I fight back the black dog and anxious thoughts and feel I am alone in this but, really I am not since so many other people suffer as well. I know they do because the statistics say they do and the ever increasing number of blog posts and books tell me so. So really as much as depression feels like a big bad secret it is really “normal” – just previously unspoken about.
My 8 year old recently asked me if girls can marry each other and when I told her “yes” (with no explanation about the ridiculous inconsistencies in reality of that statement) we had a great conversation about being true to who you are and how we can’t help who we fall in love with. She asked about how gay couples have babies since our hen ownership has led to many chats about fertilising eggs (but thankfully none about sex). As I was explaining casually about the need to visit a doctor for help I added that actually many male-female couples need help having babies these days too. So really, making their family that way is quite “normal” in 2012.
And on and on my mind goes, frustrated by all the things that makes us “us” and how we feel uncomfortable in our own skin at times. How we feel we need to be like everyone else. All my quirks that people find funny – if they don’t share those quirks – are the same things that connect me to someone else who does identify the same “weird” quirks.
I want my kids to be who they are 100%. I have already said I am practicing the art of non-conformity and part of that to me is wanting a revolution to redefine normal. Or even get rid of the word entirely. Why must we benchmark against someone else’s definition of normal?
Whether you are on medication for migraines, diabetes or bipolar disorder – why is one normal and another not?
Whether you can/do eat everything, have allergies or choose to eat a different way – why is one normal and another not?
Whether you are a size 2, size 10 or size 22 - why is one normal and another not?
Whether you wear shirts conservatively buttoned to your neck or have piercings or tattoo sleeves - why is one normal and another not?
Whether you are an introvert, an extrovert, have a large group of friends or none - why is one normal and another not?
Whether you line up all your cutlery, can’t stand to hear them touch, or simply eat food with your hands - why is one normal and another not?
Whether you have kids at 18, 30 or 45, naturally, via C-section or international adoption -why is one normal and another not?
Whether you walk at 8months, 12 months or 18 months- why is one normal and another not?
Whether you marry someone just like you or from another religion or race- why is one normal and another not?
So many of us strive to be accepted, to feel “normal” or more, but who are we asking to approve of us? Whose opinion really matters? Even writing this blog post I struggled for a week to try to express this train of thought and could not get it out “right”. I decided I need to just express my thought and let it stand on its own. I guess for a change I am using my blog simply as a way to process my thoughts.
So maybe instead of waiting for someone else to share their story for you to feel okay with how you are – just be okay with it right now and know in your heart that you are not alone, you are indeed “normal” and you are okay just the way you are.
Find your simple,
Deb
I am linking up with Jess for I blog on Tuesdays – go check out a whole bunch of other fabulous posts
Image credits: Masquerading as a normal person
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m going to borrow those images and print them for my eldest daughter and to remind me that she is a wonderful person no matter how un normal she is! I’m just rereading Raising your Spirited Child and enjoying the first chapter where she reminds you to see the characterists as positive not negative. My daughter is in no way ‘normal but that is what makes her the beautifully funny and special person that she is and although she drives me to distraction with her funny little ways and makes me livid with how she communicates sometimes, I really wouldnt change her to be normal becuase that is who she is and I love her that way.
RYSC was my bible when Lulu was young as she is my spirited girl (and i am spirited as well) – it would be good for people everywhere to read it as alice is not spirited but has so many sensitivities that book helps deal with as well (like you said with the reframing). I think my husband would agree with what you write if you substitute deb for your daughter. I am who I am and he loves me anyway even if the spirited stuff (and all the rest) drive him insane!
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week 2: Define your Personal Values}
I love this post. Thank you for sharing and making us all feel equally abnormal. Such a great message. Rachel xx
Rachel recently posted..Mean Girls
I am all for equality – deb xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..Cut that out – grateful for doing less
Thank you for writing this post. I have been having this thought or something similar in my head for some time now. Having suffered from nearly every form of depression related to both children and in general, I was getting sick of putting on a “mask” everyday. Once I allowed myself to be me and tell me story all I received was blank stares as they aren’t sure where to look or what to say.
Big hugs Hayley – Keep reaching out and you will find people who don’t have the blank stares. Also when you drop the mask and grow comfortable with the real you the pressure to keep on the mask goes. It is a vicious cycle, but letting go of the mask first and being true to you can allow you to find some peace – which lets you tackle the depression and around it goes.
For anyone really close to you who does not know what to say it might help to let them know what you really want – a hug, someone to just listen, someone to just know and accept you as you are…they might be thinking you want wisdom or solutions from them (and if it is that they are just uncomfortable with depression then move on and don’t waste your energy on them) – deb xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..Piquing my pinterest {Planning Fun School Lunches}
Great post, I can totally relate to this. Thank you for writing
Thank you for reading and i am glad it resonated with you. xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Cut that out – grateful for doing less
Deb.
Thank you. You found the words. You made me nod in so, so many ways. My normal is ok. I’m ok. Just the way I am.
Will try hard to focus as those internal forces rise to the external forces and pull me away from being ok with me.
Thank YOU
Amz@nurturing progress recently posted..New Year New You: Looking back 2011.
Yes Amz you are beautiful and wonderful just as you are – deb xx
Debra Dane recently posted..2011 reflections filled with gratitude
I gave up a long time ago trying to be “normal”. It IS exhausting. The lovely thing about getting older is losing the need to belong although there is still a part of me that at times longs so much to “fit in”. If I did though, I’d be miserable.
Oh the dilemmas….I hope you manage to embrace how cool it is to be “abnormal”, whatever that is…
Nic recently posted..a wedding. finally….
It is a dilemma. It helps to be around open-minded people of course…but a lot of it is internal work as once we are ok with who we are we let go of that need for others to be ok with us too.
Debra Dane recently posted..The Importance of Values
I tend to cling to “normal”. I guess it gives a sense of security and belonging. The concept of normal is a lot less restricted than it was 10 years ago though.
themotherexperiment recently posted..listography – 5 tips for bloggers
Yes the security and sense of belonging are what people are striving for when they change to fit in and the lack of that is often what drives us crazy.
Debra Dane recently posted..One size doesn’t fit all
Yeah it seems like every single person craves approval and acceptance but the harder we try to conform the less comfortable we are within ourselves. Which makes us not fit in anyway. Argh.
themotherexperiment recently posted..Thankful Thursday – 2 under 2
I think everybody has a quirk or twist to their story. If you think someone is normal, maybe you just don’t know them well enough
Love your message here.
PS I was recently at an ‘alternative’ music festival where EVERYbody was trying to be different. In an attempt to stand out and show their individuality, they actually all blended and created a different ‘normal’. Interesting idea…
We all definitely have our quirks – the key is creating a world where everyone feels comfortable letting those supposed quirks stand out in public rather than hidden away – as it has been said before “let your freak flag fly” – when others judge differences they do classify people as freaks, strange, uncouth, slow, or any number of judgemental words. Bullies at schools draw attention to kids they find different so that no one will look at them and find THEIR quirks – it is like a diversionary tactic. Live and let live should be taught from a very young age IMO.
Debra Dane recently posted..Cut that out – grateful for doing less
if only people would realise that being different IS normal, then the world would be a more peaceful place. What’s funny is the people who make a big deal about anything “abnormal” are the ones who try so hard to fit into such a small box, with small mind frames, their way or the highway. THAT is not normal in my book!
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset recently posted..Things I Know – The Job Hunt Edition
Agreed and what a place that would be.
Debra Dane recently posted..The Importance of Values
Well said Deb! Far out IBOT is a cracker today!
Yes, “normal” is “relative”. I often see people (including myself at times) setting the bar at “normal” because it is actually what we are not.
I think it’s human nature to feel alienated or a deviation from the “norm” we create as our own personal standard. Partly because if we don’t conform to that standard, we are different and special, and everyone wants to be unique – and partly because it is also human nature to want to conform, whilst retaining our individuality. I’m not sure if I’m making much sense, but this is such a thought-provoking post!
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I understand you – i do think the difficulty is getting more people to define the differences as special in a positive way. I know a lot of people who want themselves and everyone else to just get along and blend in – why ruffle feathers, why speak up, why have pink hair or wear loud clothes …
Debra Dane recently posted..The Importance of Values
What a thought provoking post! Normal by whose standards? Whose culture? Whose measurements? Which generation? What fads? Even just trying to answer those questions shows that normal is impossible to fully define. I suppose statistics define “normal” as something most common but we are all so unique, we can’t all fit into the same mould. I suppose it wasn’t “normal” of me to profile Dolly Parton in my post today instead of Beyonce, or Kim Kardashian or Miranda Kerr. We can write people off too easily when we think they don’t “fit”. I’m guilty too. That’s so wrong. We should celebrate and embrace the uniqueness that is each one of us. I’ve a whole Pinterest boad reminded myself to just be myself. I love this quote the best, “All you have to do is be yourself and live the story that no one else can live – the story of your own unique life. Be proud. Be confident. And most of all, be happy.” – Anonymous
Veronica @ Mixed Gems recently posted..Value Discovery with Dolly Parton
Definitely veronica – the cultural one is huge for me – when we lived in Thailand I got comments all the time like “you are such a big girl” and laughing when i ate a whole meal etc as the standard there is petite and thin. I was probably 20 pounds lighter than now and a typical size for a 5ft 8 woman. I could not buy shoes in a regular shop because size 7 was the biggest. When we went to the Cook Islands on holiday the standard there is bigger more robust women and again I was different – now smaller and people wanted to fatten me up LOL Feels a bit like Goldilocks sometimes…
Debra Dane recently posted..Back to school: Getting ready and organised Round up
Good on you for getting that out Deb. It all goes back to values. Are you living the life you love? Are you comfortable in your own skin? Are you being true to yourself? Get this right and all the extraneous stuff (depression, how you birthed, what size you are) just pales in comparison doesn’t it? People can judge others for their external habits, looks etc but I challenge anyone to criticise someone for being 100% comfortable about who they are. That should be what ‘normal’ is.
Laney @ Crash Test Mummy recently posted..Crash Test: A great solution to a stinky problem
Definitely comes to values and being strong enough to know yourself – but for many people it is a big hurdle to get past that need to feel included and accepted. Maybe that is the greatest journey of all – one to total emotional independence – not having your emotions and thoughts affected by what others say, do or think. Hmm more to think about.
Debra Dane recently posted..Narrowing down my core values by getting to the heart of the matter
You just continue to be more amazing every week! I totally agree. People used to call me weird in school and I used to reply with a simple thank you. If someone had called me normal I would have been devastated, probably still would be. Normal, to me, screams conformity, average, following and boring – everything I hope not to be!
Ames recently posted..Blogging Nasties
I agree Ames. Do you have a lot of like minded friends now? I partly wrote this with isolated people in mind -of which there are many starting in schools all over the world.
I think I am pretty average on the outside but there are so many ways i don’t fit in as well
Debra Dane recently posted..Cut that out – grateful for doing less
Luckily I do. I did in high school too but I was still considered a bit weirder than everyone. I think it’s about accepting yourself too – able to turn around and be confident in sticking up for yourself. I’ve always been pretty good at that thanks, I think, to my parents. Of course there’s been times that it hurts but channeling your energy into more positive thinking and realising that it’s not you, it’s them with the problem, helps.
We’re all weird in our own little ways, it’s what makes us interesting and different from the next person
Ames recently posted..Blogging Nasties
I’ve never been normal. My eldest now gets called abnormal. We are who we are and that’s ok.
I’m over people being judgemental, I really am. I have values, and I have standards, and sometimes they are pretty black and white, but that doesn’t mean I can judge others, or accuse them of being abnormal for disagreeing. For daring to be different.
Personally, I don’t support gay marriage, but I would never call a homosexual abnormal. My sister is one, and I love her dearly.
Can we just get rid of this word? Can’t we just be who we are?
Jess recently posted..It’s (almost) my Blogoversary and I’ll Quote Myself If I want to
This post is timely for me after an occasional care centre told me Mini Savage’s behaviour was “not normal” – yes he’s spirited but hell we’re all different. Thank god!
Mrs Savage recently posted..Tips from a New Blogger who knows Nothing
As a spirited mother with 1 spirited daughter i wish that person could take back what they said – how dare they label his behaviour “not normal”… i do tell my kids al the time “how boring the world would be if we were all the same”
Debra Dane recently posted..Back to school: Getting ready and organised Round up
I love that you challenge everything we are supposed to be! Thank you for nearly pushing me to be myself – i have a long way to go!!!! I am looking forward to the day that i am happy with me and if people cannot accept what is ‘normal’ for me then that is ok and i will not let it get to me! I have really got hooked on your posts – THANK YOU!!!!
Paula recently posted..Getting to the core of the true me…….
You will get there Paula – I know it! Thank you for being here – i love that you have joined in with your whole heart.
Debra Dane recently posted..Back to school: Getting ready and organised Round up
Thank you Deb
Paula recently posted..Getting to the core of the true me…….
It is a wonderful wonderful thing to feel happy in your own skin. I love it when I hear my 4 year old daughter include herself when she tells me the names of the people she loves. I hope her self love never waivers no matter who she becomes as she grows. Fantastic post, and a wonderful blog.
Tracey
Thank you. I hope your daughter’s self love just grows and grows as she ages! It is surely something to protect.
Debra Dane recently posted..2011 reflections filled with gratitude
I think I may share this on my page tomorrow. It sums up everything… perfectly. xo
Misha – The Bling Buoy recently posted..Comment on 10 things you don’t know about me… by Deb @ Home life simplified
And, what a boring place this world would be if we were all “normal”
Julie recently posted..Married sex… the world misinterprets
So I was just thinking about blogging stuff in the shower (as ‘normal’ bloggers do!!), and I was thinking about this post, and then I was thinking about shampooing my hair and then it hit me! What is ‘normal’ hair?? And who buys the shampoo for ‘normal’ hair? Certainly not me!
Shelley recently posted..Wellbeing
I blog in the shower too…
LOL about the shampoo, kind of like goldilocks … Normal is. “just right”
Amen Sista!! Who created the word “normal” what did they know!! Being true to yourself – that is normal!
Really nice post, and I totally agree. Why B normal? Why always do what others like to do? Better choose presence…
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Hey Deb, I put my comment on the wrong post (so sorry!) so I am pasting it here too
Great post, I am so glad you wrote it.
We all have our own unique parts, we are all different. Difference should be what unites us, not what makes us the same.
I did a course at uni where we had a great tut group with a variety of people from different backgrounds. There were two girls in the group, one who was aboriginal, and one who was half chinese. Some people in the group kept saying ‘we need to ignore the differences between people, that is what will help equality’. These two girls kept saying that was wrong, that they were so PROUD of their differences, that was what made them special. They wanted to be considered equal, but they didn’t want to be considered ‘the same’.
xx Sannah
Sannah recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – A Day in the Life of a 2 Year old
I was about to email you – will go delete that comment (you are not the first one to do that – last time i was really confused but this time i knew what happened LOL)
i agree with them – equality does not come from pretending there are no differences and we are all the same, it comes from not taking the differences as reasons to treat people differently.
Debra Dane recently posted..Life Planning for Your Family (and how to get your partner on board!)
I love this post. I have recently had similar feelings about the importance of accepting individuals and all their quirks, backgrounds and differences. In fact acceptance is top place in my list of values for the various reasons you have so nicely described.
There is no normal and it seems that slowly more and more people are realising this….
Jenn recently posted..Things I value
Ah, cutlery! I can’t stand to use metal cutlery, even more so if it doesn’t match, but I do because I should, when really I’d rather use plastic.
I love that – a revolution to redefine normal.
Jayne recently posted..Simplify. Values.
Another thought-provoking post! Thanks for your honesty, and in the spirit of honesty, I offer you this…..I too disagree with society’s need for “normal”…although I do have to admit to being a hypocrite.
You see, as much as I can sit here and say I don’t agree with the pressure we are under to be “normal”, I have to admit that everyday I play the game; I wear the mask; I be “normal”.
I understand the place you’ve come from, the pnd & the anxiety/depression that seems to stay afterwards. I live daily with that black cloud that seems to live just behind my head. As much as I want to do what you do, just BE ME, I fear that in being ME, the dark will creep over again.
To me, pretending ‘normal’ is my way of NOT ACCEPTING the black place. If I accept me, totally & completely, does the black place take over again? You see the dilemma. So for now, the fear will keep me playing the ‘normal’ game I’m afraid….
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