What does self care mean to you? In order to be effective “self care” must be unique and personal to meet your own specific needs. There is no “one” care plan to follow – each of us needs to look at what actions and activities we need in our lives to continue to meet our goals. Telling you that self care includes 8 hours of sleep is not accurate or helpful if you are a person with lower sleep needs. Encouraging you to get your minimum sleep needs met regularly and endeavour for quality and restorative sleep is both those things. We each need to evaluate our situations and find what is lacking and be realistic in our goal setting.
What is self care?
So many of us spend our time taking care of everyone else that we never make our own needs a priority. You take care of your children’s needs 100%. You help friends, neighbours and colleagues with what they need. Often our spouses and partners come next on the list – for many people the one they love has needs that get met after work and friends as we tend to trust they are always going to be waiting there for us. Then, many of us give ourselves the leftovers, the 5 minutes, squeeze-it-in, of time.
Self care means knowing what fills up your soul, nurtures your body and mind, excites you in life and meeting those needs on a regular basis. Self care means letting yourself off the hook and following your bad day plan because what you need more than anything is for the world to just stop for five minutes and let you catch your breath. Self care is honouring who you are and doing what fits in with your values, goals and needs rather than simply what others expect or demand of you.
Change your priorities
Rather than treating yourself as an afterthought put yourself #1 so that you can be a better parent, partner, business person/ employee, and friend. It is critical to acknowledge that there is only so much you can do and in order to keep giving and being there for others you must be there for yourself. I have said it before, but there is a reason flight attendants tell you to put on your oxygen mask first before attending to your children. It applies to life in general – if you do not take care of yourself and ensure your needs are being met, you will burn out and have nothing left to give others. You may think you are being a “good” mother by sacrificing your needs for those of your children, but you are actually doing the opposite. There must be a balance between your needs and those of others and most people do not work to find that balance. Instead you wait until the scale is tipped so far in one direction that you are forced to react and take care of yourself. Why wait until you are sick to get rest and eat well? Why ignore your passions for so long you lose touch with who you are?
What message are you sending by sacrificing your own needs?
As a parent who never takes time for their own needs and passions you are showing your children that you are not worthy of nurturing, indulgence, rest, celebration. By “doing” all the time you are teaching them that they must be productive all the time and there is no value in being idle. What we model for our children is what they really absorb into their lives. You may say eat healthy foods and get rest, but when they see you skipping lunch to get the housework done and commenting that you need a third coffee to stay awake, they get the real message.
Every time a neighbour asks a favour, or a colleague passes their work to you, and you oblige when your instinct says no, you are making a choice. You are sending the message that your needs are less important than theirs. It is great to be known for being caring and helpful, but you need to define your own lines and do it on your terms. If helping others is at the detriment of your own health and happiness than you are entering into dangerous territory. It is okay to say no to others simply for the reason that you are taking care of yourself. Your plans to indulge in your often neglected passion for sewing or getting back into nature with your organised hike that weekend are valid reasons to opt out of a task that simply supports others.
How do you put yourself back on the “to do” list?
Sit down and take some time to decide what are your high priorities for yourself. If it is important to you it should be respected and treated as a sacred item. When you sit down and plan your week or month block out times for your personal goals. Often people are good about making appointments with themselves for exercise and actually write it on their calendar. This same tactic should be used for whatever it is you have been denying yourself that you know you need in your life.
If you need to be out in nature regularly to feel strong enough to stay committed to your current life in the city, then schedule regular outings into your plan. Have a set weekend every month that you go hiking, take up geo-caching with your family instead of just hitting the suburban playground, make a list of places you want to go and start scheduling them in once a month. If bubble baths, manicures and facials make you feel nurtured and beautiful do not wait for them to be an annual treat for your birthday. Choose a time each week where you lock in this me-time. Close the bathroom door and have 1 hour for your pampering. You can choose to have that hour for yourself and the world will keep revolving. You don’t attempt this while children are running around the house, but most of us have at least a couple of hours in the evening or weekend where the kids are asleep and you can choose to do this before you put the laundry away or tidy up the kitchen. Put your partner on duty or if you are a single parent swap some babysitting time.
What if you no longer know what would make you feel nurtured, fulfilled and cared for?
If you are out of touch with what would make you happy and fulfilled start exploring different things.
- If you had endless time and money what would you do?
- What did you enjoy doing as a child? (painting? reading? science class?)
- What have you often watched others do and envied their talent? Do you see someone else doing something and sigh? (sewing? musical instrument? rock climbing?)
- What resonates with you when you are reading? watching tv? at the movies?- connect with that natural reaction and let yourself explore.
- Look into writing, reading, dates, classes, hobbies and craft – not what you think you should be doing, but what you want to do.
As an example, Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project has written about her love of children’s literature. After pushing this interest aside she finally accepted this about herself, embraced this passion and created a children’s literature book club for like-minded people. There are probably many subjects you loved, but abandoned long ago because you thought you “should” like something different now that you are an adult. Let yourself be free to follow your heart.
In the area of health and body look at what is going wrong for you and work backwards from there.
- Are you struggling to connect with your children and partner because you are cranky and tired?
- Are you frustrated in the morning because none of your clothes fit or match the life you live now?
- Do you feel guilty because you never use your gym membership, but have never explored fitness options outside the gym setting?
- Do you need to partner up with a friend to feel safe or encouraged to explore fitness?
- Are there certain magazine articles that resonate with you? Is it because your instinct tells you there is something lacking? or an interest brewing?
What does self care mean to you? What things do you include in your life that take care of you? How do you work to make self care a habit that is sacred and not up for negotiation?
Next time I will talk about tackling the guilt and excuses that stand in our way and also offer some suggestions on ways you can take care of yourself mind, body and spirit. You may be so out of touch with what can make you happy and healthy right now, but I promise even taking one baby step in the right direction can start to fill your soul.
Part 2 in this series is how to make self care a regular part of your life
Part 3 is a list of 50 ideas to jump start your self care journey
If you are looking to explore self care, self knowledge and self- love I would love you to join us for The 30 day self care blueprint e-course which over 100 women took part in for 2012 and will next be run in May 2013.
Find your simple,
Deb
image credits: hiking path rituals cup bubble bath
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
This is fantastic!
Every new {and seasoned} mother should read this.
I could relate to absolutely everything. And my poor husband always comes last, even though I love him the most. You’re right, I take comfort in the fact that I know he’ll always be there.
Thankyou for a wonderful post xx
Cherie @ a baby called Max recently posted..The losing of the junk. In my trunk.
Thanks Cherie – I know there are many of us who have put hubby last. I am working on this myself! One of the biggest issues I struggled with when my kids were smaller was the balance of everyone’s needs. You only have so much time and energy and often it feels like if you are on top of kids and hubby then yours get pushed aside or if on top of kids and your own needs, hubby is left in the wings… Such a tricky thing!
Debra Dane recently posted..Personal Self Care – stop giving yourself the leftovers
Very important, of course it is. From my perspective, though, I font actually know many women who aren’t trying their absolute best to ‘self care’. We all do what we can to keep ourselves nice. The current trend telling women to ‘stop putting everyone else first’ just goes against my natural instincts, and I’m sure those of many of us. So having (groan) ‘me time’ just becomes one more thing to add to my already disastrously long To Do list. Blah.
Sometimes I just wish everyone would just let me get on with it, you know?!? x
I hear you Bron. Thanks so much for adding your perspective.
I just want to clarify this is not about obligations or what you “should” be doing or about keeping yourself nice – I am talking about self care that goes deeper – I am talking about not losing ourselves completely by pushing our needs to last place. What each of us needs is different,what i want parents (men and women) to do is realise the connection between filling your tank and being a happier and more at peace individual. Instead of resenting the inability to sit and read a book or go for a walk you can build what is important to you into your life and feel like “ahh I know at least I did X for me”.
So many people never get to what is important to them because they are first tending to every urgent thing that comes up. You may not fit in everything you want to do, but if we stop and identify what is the unique thing that will fill our tank and then make that sacred we may just see some changes happening. This can be as simple as your weekly 10 minute read of a trashy mag or allowing yourself a HOT cup of coffee or tea before you start your day etc or as big as starting a course that would change your life. It has to be unique to the individual to work and come from within. There is no right or wrong in this, just a need to honour yourself as much as you do others. You may be doing this already, but I know many of us don’t do so until it is too late.
When you mention “trying their best” etc it makes me think “are they trying to do many things and getting to nothing”. Starting with one thing and building it into your life is what i am talking about. And if you don’t want me-time (my 6yo never plans to have time alone if she can help it as she is an extrovert through and through and i imagine she will be at 35 too) then maybe self care is a standing dinner date with girlfriends that does not get cancelled or family time that is intentional… who knows…
Debra Dane recently posted..5 Critical steps to change your mindset
Wow. Maxabella’s post really sounds familiar! I know that some women (and men) thrive on a steady diet of doing for others. It took cancer, depression, job burn-out and anxiety attacks to make me do something about a gut feeling that my natural instinct of putting others first was killing me.
My husband and I have a “test” to determine whether we’re on the right track. It’s nothing new. It’s the “deathbed test.” When you’re on your deathbed, will you wish you’d done a better job on your to-do list, or let things slide a little and spent more time playing, laughing and doing things that fed your spirit? (Note: I still don’t always pass the test, but I’m getting better.)
Tess recently posted..Blackberry Lilies
Such a great post for me Debra, I am absolutely rubbish at giving myself ‘me time’, in fact it has now got to the point that I have started to feel a bit angry about it.
Don’t misunderstand me, I adore my life as a full time mother, but I have come to realize that ‘the old Sarah’ has not completely gone away; she just took a 9 year vacation!
I have neglected my needs for so long, that now that I have decided to change its really difficult to a) figure out what it is I really want, which links in with your comment, “ignore your passions for so long you lose touch with who you are?”
And b) there always seems to be some terribly important household task that just simply HAS to be done!!! As you also said, “do this before you put the laundry away or tidy up the kitchen.”
Yesterday, for the first time in ages, I put my son down for his nap and actually did some work on my blog, even though my house looked like a tip. And do you know what, it was bloody great!
x
That is so awesome Sarah. You deserve to do things that you enjoy as well and some of those things can happen when the kids are awake and around (and may even include them), but some things need to be done alone or when they are asleep and you can concentrate. The only cleaning I intentionally do with no kids around is mopping when I just want to get it done. Otherwise 1) they want to mop which includes arguing over who gets a turn and 2) it takes longer and is messier. So sometimes they do it and sometimes I do it (and more often than not I ask hubby to do it while we 3 are out LOL).
I also hear the guilt in your clarification that you love your life… we can love our current lives and our families and STILL need things that fulfil our unique needs and wants. Parents need to bust that guilt and acknowledge there is good in self care. We can teach our children (age appropriate conversations of course) about it too – I can say things like “Mommy is feeling a bit tired these days and exercise helps me feel stronger and energised. That is why I need for us to go to the gym today and Thursday. I hope you have fun in the creche/daycare. We can go to the park together afterwards and have a go at the swings or slide together.”
Can’t wait to see your blog up and running!
Debra Dane recently posted..Making self care a regular part of your life
Thank you Debra x
Watch this space!!!