This week I hit my parenting rock bottom.
There were tears from me, from my husband and from my 8 1/2 year old.
She had been hiding something for weeks that finally came out. When I asked her why she did not come to me at any point to talk honestly I received a virtual slap in the face that stung more than anything had ever before in my life.
“I’m afraid of you.”
I thought I had died because I couldn’t breathe.
With four words my world shattered and I broke down in tears.
I asked if she thought I would yell if she told me the truth and her red tinged eyes, with tears welling up in them again, held my gaze while she replied “yes” and closed her eyes. As she closed her eyes I reached for her. She cried. We clinged to each other and just held on for dear life.
I have had a post in my head for months that I wanted to write. It was going to be called “diary of a reformed yeller”, but it never got past the initial stages every time I tried to let go of my impatient, overreacting self. I never became truly reformed.
I apologized often.
I caught myself mid-reaction and took deep breaths.
I back-pedalled and changed my tune.
I thought I was doing better.
My girls know I love them, of that I am sure. But it is not enough.
I have said before that I never expect more of my children than I can deliver myself. In this area I was failing to live up to that. I would interrupt fights and remind them to use their words and try to stay calm. I myself struggle with staying calm.
They deserve a mother who has self control with her words and tone. A mother who does not stomp her feet like a 2 year old having a tantrum.
I thought that the love could erase the days when I raise my voice or slam something down on the counter in frustration.
I thought I had time to grow more.
I thought my kids were okay.
My 8 year old is sensitive and I know now how she has been taking on board every incident, every loud word, every deep breath I had to take to stop the flow in its tracks.
I look back and notice my 7 year old has started biting her lip when talking to me as she notices my irritation rising. Instead of changing my ways I tell her to stop doing that and the cycle continues.
I know we are all human and make mistakes and we can apologize and keep moving forward, BUT and it is a big BUT, that is not enough for my girls and my family any more. You cannot “sorry” away fear. You cannot simply start fresh the next day and try your “best” as it is not enough.
This week I am sick and therefore tired and crankier than usual – that is not enough of an excuse.
Last week I had terrible PMS which in my case is bad enough to be under medical care for – that is not enough of an excuse.
The week before I fell off the sugar free wagon even though sugar is one of my biggest emotional triggers – that is not enough of an excuse.
I am 40 years old and I am in charge of my actions and my choices. I am not willing to hurt my child ever again.
We talked and cried and hugged and my husband sat there one arm around each of us, just acting as a support – the bridge to hold us together a little longer.
I told her she is my reason for living and that I love her and her sister more than life itself.
I told her that nothing means more to me right now than stopping the yelling completely. It is not okay even once in a while and I need to stop.
I gave her permission to interrupt me any time I start to raise my voice, if she wants, to remind me to take a time out if needed.
I know my triggers and will be focused on this with all my energy and efforts. I would not accept this from them or my husband, but have expected them to put up with it for too long. Not another day. This is not the life I envision nor the parent I want to be. The answer cannot be found in any book or parenting forum. Sometimes it just has to come from within – to find that self control and change for someone else because they deserve the very best in life.
Day one is almost over and went well. I am hopeful that “it is never too late” will turn out to be true.
Find your simple,
Deb
{ 75 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Deb. I’m sitting at work in tears. Because my heart is broken for you, for your girls. But also because I have been there and felt that fear – of my father. And again also because I worry that is what my son will feel like with me. You’re so right, there is no excuse in the world good enough, to make it “ok” for us to yell at our kids. We don’t like to be yelled at by bosses/partners/people what on earth makes us think kids would be ok with it?! I am certain that this will be the event that turns it all around for you. I know it. And it is a great reminder to me, too, to really think, breathe, count, before I react to my son. Sending so much love to you and your girls.
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April 19, 2012 at 7:14 am
*thud* That was a big stake driving through my heart.
I’m that mum too and don’t want to be. I’m so tired of the conflict in our house and had made it one of my goals for this year. Each time I think I’m doing ok The Tornado goes and messes with my head and I end up yelling at him.
Thank you so much for being so vulnerable. It really is a huge wake up call. x
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I had tears in my eyes reading this, as I felt it couldve been me writing it. I too have a short temper and a massive impatience problem, and unfortunately my poor little munchkin cops the brunt of it. My fear is that he will start to be them same way, and that I am raising a boy with a short temper. Good on you for blogging about this. It makes me realise that I’m not alone. Chrissie xx
Twitter: fullbellysis
April 19, 2012 at 7:16 am
This absolutely made me cry. I wish I could give you a hug
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Twitter: Mum_ments
April 19, 2012 at 7:16 am
Oh Deb sending hugs your way beautiful.
i am so not proud of myself and it is something I am working on every day.
Im a yeller too
You are doing a fantastic job and i have no doubt one day you will be able to write that reformed yeller post.
Thankyou for keeping it real!
xxx
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Oh, yes, I have been there and done that with my two as well. You’re not alone by any means. :-*
I’ve also given mine permission to interrupt me if I start to go ballistic and THEY made ME promise not to get mad if they do. THAT is a hard one, but it gets easier.
The things that make us grow the most are often the hardest lessons to learn, but they will be the ones that make us better people – us and our kids too, as they see us grow and grow along with us.
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Beautiful, honest post. Thank you for sharing and all the best as you work on changing your behavior. You are a great mum because you love your kids and want to do your very best. Hugs.
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Twitter: MummySmiles
April 19, 2012 at 7:27 am
Oh Deb. What a heartbreaking moment for you, and I applaud your honesty in sharing with us all.
I think it is the rare and perfect mother who has never yelled at her kids, but I am sure, like you, we all feel sick at what we have done – the person we have become when we find ourselves in that situation.
I have no doubt you have taken the greatest step so far, in owning and acknowledging the problem. It’s not easy to change our habits and our behaviours but I absolutely believe it is within our control.
Big Hugs to you – you are a kind and wonderful soul xx
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“I’m afraid of you.”…GASP! That happened to me as well and it’s shattering! Even though yelling is not OK, you are an awesome mom, Deb, just the fact that you can admit to your child you are wrong and that she has a right to stop you makes you SO amazing! We all make mistakes, that doesn’t mean we don’t need to change, it’s no excuse, BUT it does mean we also need to learn to forgive ourselves, over and over and over…probably until the day we die. And in the meantime, we keep working on ourselves, to make us better parents, wives, children, people. Hugs to you!!! By the way, some GREAT books about the reasons behind our seemingly automatic emotional reactions are here : http://www.pastrealityintegration.com/en/overview-pri-books–dvd
Absolutely AMAZING books!
Today is my day one !!
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 19, 2012 at 9:44 am
Thank you xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week fifteen: Time management – priorities}
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April 19, 2012 at 7:56 am
Deb, what a beautiful & honest post. Anger is something I still struggle with – and I know my triggers, but like you said, they shouldn’t be excuses. We are only human, and while talking things through (about why we’ve yelled) with our kids doesn’t always take the hurt away, it can help them to see that we too make mistakes. Thank you for sharing your heart. I hope you’re all on the mend soon – hugs to you.xx
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April 19, 2012 at 8:06 am
Oh beautiful lady – what a brave post this is. Thank you so much for sharing these words as I know I have much to learn from them.
As you say above, this is not a time for book suggestions, BUT I have just finished reading Quiet by Susan Cain. If your daughter is a sensitive girl and perhaps a little introverted – this book will give you some insights into her mind
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Twitter: BeautifullyOrg
April 19, 2012 at 8:07 am
I’m so glad you wrote this post Deb, I know it mustn’t have been easy. Don’t forget you are not a bad person, you are a parent and it’s a tough, relentless job (that happens to have good perks!).
I seem to be always reminding my Sophie to use better manners but forgetting to do it myself lately – you’re post has reminded me to work on that xx
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What’s inspiring about you, Deb, is that you are so earnest and honest about looking at yourself and striving to grow. I’m often convicted by it. You have a very pure heart, if that makes any sense. And your humility before your girls is beautiful–it’s teaching them that it’s okay to admit fault. I think you’re such a great mom.
This is a great post! I can be a yeller, too, and this has reminded me to do better. Thanks for being so transparent. Xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. There is so much raw beauty and honesty in this story, and it’s sure to be a wake-up call to many. I have a feeling you will grow tremendously from the experience. It’s going to be OK. I can feel it.
Oh Deb. Biggest hugs. I come from a family of yellers, and I can be one too – it takes a bit to get me to that stage, but raising my voice is something I feel I do more than I ever should and I am also working on this. Sometimes it takes all my strength. You are an amazing Mum. Never forget that. xx B
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Oh Deb. I see your heart. I feel your pain because I can relate, oh so well. x
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Twitter: findyoursimple
April 19, 2012 at 8:38 am
Thank you all so much – i wish I could reply to you each personally but am sick and also have 2 kids home sick with me today. Know that I am reading and re-reading your comments and thank you for being here. I was worried how the post would be received and appreciate your support, your sharing and your own honesty today – much love – deb xx
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April 19, 2012 at 8:38 am
Deb, my family was prone to yelling too. I fall into it now and again and am ashamed every time. I’m reading scream-free parenting and know that it’s me being immature when I yell. I’m learning to get my “touchy”(he still is) to listen to me even as we struggle this hearing disorder vs. add diagnosis. It’s a day at a time, right?
What I do know is that your daughter saw you respond and be REAL to her. She will have no doubts about your love for her and it’s so great that you got her to see you as a human mom this early. Tweens are coming and you’ve already started to build that bridge! Hugs and encouragement to you!
I identify with your situation and I fear the day one of my boys says this to me. I, too, am aware of it, have good days and bad, but there is never a good enough excuse (like you said) and each day I “mess up” I feel more like a failure and that I’m just passing the “curse” on to my boys. I will pray for you as I pray for myself and all the other mom’s and dad’s out there who have been “taught” to parent using fear. Thank you for sharing, I respect your hesitation, but am thankful to have been touched by your words. I wish you the best.
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 19, 2012 at 8:52 am
Thanks Amy. I just want to clarify in my case it is all on me – my parents NEVER yelled or used fear tactics in my home. I have written before about my past that is damaged starting with my father’s death when i was 14 right up to severe post partum depression with my kids. I have a lot of anger deep within that has never been resolved and unfortunately my issues spill over to my family – I am lucky that my own immediate family (especially my mother) has always stood by me even as they watched my temper flare over the years. Those of us who yell a lot usually have underlying issues to deal with and that is why i think the excuses thing does not hold forever – we have to make a choice to deal with what sets us off as it is about us and not about the people we are yelling at.
(My mom reads this blog at times and I would hate for anyone to think that this is a case of a cycle of anger and yelling. I actually have no memory of my parents ever fighting and can literally recall the single day when my father was upset with my sister and wanted to smack her but could not bring himself to do so as it was not in his nature even on his worst day)
What a great article…deep from the soul…
And, no matter how hard you are on yourself, your child wasn’t so afraid that she wouldn’t tell you how she felt when she was asked…which says that no matter how terrible you feel that you ARE doing something right.
I love your brutal honesty, and know it will help other people out there who are struggling. Great article. The fact that you can bring this forward makes you a great mom.
Thanks Deb, for being able to put in words something I couldn’t quite formulate, but yet which resonates deeply with me. I appreciate that. Good luck x
Hugs Deb, I know how hard the parenting journey has been for you. I am a rare (but still one) yeller, but tend to be more of a ranter… I did go & ask the boys if they thought I yelled – got the comment “not really” which isn’t quite “no”… so some work there.
This parenting gig is hard & as I know from my journey it is strongly influenced by our strengths & weaknesses & those of our parents & their own journey.
Hard as I know it would have been to hear that from your Daughter, what a wonderful opportunity it offers up for her to see how hard some goals are & how even Mum (or Mom in your case LOL) as to rise to challenges & struggle, but that the ones that are the hardest are the ones that are often the most important. You could choose to say (As I know many a parent does) “this is how I am, live with it” BUT you are choosing to say “I am going to take the road to change”… to me it opens a huge opportunity of learning & connection & maybe in 5 years time you will both look back on that moment & say “that was the best thing that could have happened to us in terms of timing & the journey”
It is not how we deal with success that makes us grow, but how we deal with adversity.
Enjoy the journey, there will be falls & setbacks, but it is a “journey” for your all.
Deb…At times our own lights goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. I forget where I read that but I think it holds some truth for you today x
I’m in awe of your vulnerability, standing in a place of full responsibility, and the bravery of your precious girl. Much love to you all. I feel honored to call you my friend x
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Sending you and your family great big hug today! You really are a great writer and will have so many people thinking about their own parenting styles and how to make it better! Certainly made me think about mine xxx
Twitter: kmevsmyself
April 19, 2012 at 10:05 am
Deb, I have tears streaming down my cheeks, my heart breaks for you. And for my boy, because we have had the same conversation. You are not alone in this, being a parent is HARD and if you’re like me, you’re much better at giving advice then putting it into practice yourself! Check out http://www.ahaparenting.com, they ran a series on how not to yell on the blog last week and there are some fantastic tips. And ask for help, we are seeing a pyscologist as a family shortly to sort out some issues, one of which is my temper and how I respond to Monkey (who we think is on the autism spectrum somewhere, we’ll see). There is no shame in asking for help. I wish I could give you a massive hug and tell you in person that I GET it xo
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Deb we really are so alike. I was in tears the whole way through your post because I not only have been where you are, I AM there. I yell. At my kids and my husband and it is not ok. Anger is the the emotion that I find the hardest to get hold of and steer in the right direction. I have the shortest fuse of anyone I know but today is my day one. You have given me the strength and motivation to REALLY work on my problem, not make excuses for it or just keep telling myself that I will try again tomorrow. Today I really will try.
I love the honesty that you have with your children, they will cherish that forever. I’m always honest and open with my kids and my older two are entering the teenage years gently, I like to believe that is because of our honesty. Now I just need to get the anger under control and teach them that it is not ok.
Big hugs to you xoxo
Wow Deb, I got some tears in my eyes now too. I had a similar moment when I asked my then-13 yo if he was happy with things in his life (shortly after he had started spending week on, week off between his Dad and us). He said, “I wish you weren’t so cranky all the time”
Hit me like a mac truck. And was a catalyst for me finally accepting I needed some help emotionally. So I thank him for his honesty, cos I am a much nicer person now
Your love for your girls is so evident and you owning this change is such a strong, brave thing. x x
Y
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Oh Deb, the tears are just streaming down my face right now. I am your daughter and I am you. I have felt the fear and I am afraid that if I haven’t already that I will give the fear to my own children if I don’t do something. I am so inspired to make tomorrow my day one as well. Thank you so much for sharing this difficult journey, I will reflect on it often and try to pinpoint my own triggers. Your children are so lucky to have you as their mom.
I am so feeling for you. I was this person not so long ago. I have not yelled at my son for 8 weeks now and counting. My oldest son who is 21 spent most of his life scared of me as I yelled all the time. I didn’t have that wake up call with him and we are working on our relationship now as he can see that I have changed and that I am making a real effort. My youngest son (11) now say to each other every morning & every night (at least) Happy Mummy & Happy Ryan & that we love each other to put a smile on our faces. Thinking of you xx
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Twitter: findyoursimple
April 19, 2012 at 6:41 pm
8 weeks is awesome -when i make it to 8 weeks without yelling i will write my “diary of a reformed yeller” post and update this one! Thank you for sharing your story!
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Hi Deb, thank you so much for your post. I like some others who have responded feel like I wrote this post. I will be remembering what you have written over and over and love the quote. I feel so guilty every single day of my life. My mother was a screamer and I was belted and smacked terribly as a child. I never ever want to hurt my children and am so conscious of not being like my mum. The problem is I feel like am becoming a yeller like her. It is gut wrenching. I always aplogise to my girls for screaming but it doesn’t make me feel any better. You are so brave for sharing your feelings on this post – thank you so much. Here’s to happier times for everyone xx
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 19, 2012 at 6:43 pm
I have to stop and give you a hug Julie – I am so sorry for your pain.
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Big Hug Deb. Every so often in our household we notice the volume of our voices get louder and with that ugly attitude comes back and then everything feels yucky. I had been thinking of how to calm it down. I had looked at loads of ways to deal with it but still maintain a level of respect from the children as well (the older they get, other things/people influence their thinking). Nothing seemed to work, timeout, walk away, rewarding. Then I noticed that in a conflict each of us was raising our voices louder and louder as if to be heard (naturally thinking that the louder we reply the who was the loudest would be right). Well as this clicked into place for me, we talked about how this ‘shouting’ was making us feel, so I put in this one golden rule that seems to have really calmed things down and our golden rule now is: when we are talking to each other, no ones voice must be louder then my voice. Your probably thinking eh?, control freak, blah blah blah. Well, no I’m not. My way of thinking is that I have total control of the volume, so as long as I dont start screaming or shouting my kids will not be louder then me. This idea respects the natural pecking order too.Which is in our family unit is; Dad has the overall say and he naturally has the deepest and loudest voice when he is at home, Me (mum) and then my two girls in order of age. This enables me to have the authority I need to deal with situations, so far so good. The screaming matches are not so volume driven, it gives us each the respect we need to listen to each other too. I hope this has helped you a little Deb, your not alone in feeling regret at some of the ways we deal with stuff but I think as long as we can learn to change the bits we recognise as not right, we’re on the right tracks to give our children strong role models they can be proud of following. Hope I’ve not rambled on and you get where Im coming from. Not very good at wording stuff and I hope its helped you abit. xxx
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 19, 2012 at 6:45 pm
You have not rambled tracy (and having you in my little HLS community is a bright point for me every day – thank you for always showing up!) xx
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Hi Deb, I’m a newcomer to your blog but you’ve just blown me away with this heart-wrenching story. I don’t even have children and yet my eyes have all watered up (particularly the part about your hubby holding you both together, the bridge.) Comments like the one from your daughter, always put things into perspective and you’re so right about all the excuses we make for being in a bad mood and taking it out on someone else! Great story. Great read.
Hi Deb, this post just resonated with me. I am from a “shouting” family who hated every moment of shouting and now find myself being a “shouter”. Good on you for trying to address it, if you find a solution please let me know.xxoo
Twitter: leanlizzy
April 19, 2012 at 4:02 pm
HI Deb,
Totally get it – understand. Am pretty much sole parenting my two girls and stormy on the school report front this week – I had to draw breath and choose to respond, rather than react.
As for the PMS thing – it does get worse in your forties and could be worth getting investigated further. Progesterone in the latter half of your cycle might help (I was a pharmacist before I became a blogger).
Smiles,
Liz N
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I am hugging you right now Deb. I am crying without being able to stop. I remember the day you lost your Dad, my family remembers it. I cannot even imagine the pain you and your sister felt or your mom. I know what we felt. Your mom and sister can tell you that they are proud of you over the phone, and I am sure that they are also telling you that you have made your Dad very proud too. Being a parent isn’t easy. And I felt the knife as I read what your daughter said. Be very sure that you didn’t scare her too much that she couldn’t tell you that. She was scared enough to be able to be honest with you and that absolutely counts for you doing a whole lot of things right. Most days I remind my kids that we haven’t been parents before they came along and we are learning right along with them. Some of the decisions we need to make will not be popular or even correct at all times, however the decisions are always meant to be in their best interest. Joshua does NOT like when we yell, it throws him into a rotten place where he cries. This has helped me learn that yelling is NOT always the answer. It doesn’t mean I never raise my voice, sometimes it is needed to get their attention when they are busy doing anything else other than what they should be doing.
You are doing a GREAT job being so open and honest with your family. My philosophy which I am working VERY hard at teaching my children and my husband is COMMUNICATION. It is the key to life in my book. Even if we don’t always agree, that is OK to.
Sorry I rambled so much, and I don’t write nearly as well you. Stay strong to who you know you are and you will do the right thing for your family. Your parents did a great job and with that you were taught to be a great parent. Bumps in the road make us stronger people. You are also a VERY lucky lady to have a husband that can be a bridge for you. XOXOXOX from the other side of the world.
PS We miss your dad all the time too!
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 19, 2012 at 6:54 pm
Oh Tracy I am so happy to see you here and read your words. Your dad has been so lovely since i started HLS “liking” my posts and such that it brings me back in time decades ago when I saw you all last.
I am not sure if you have been on my blog before but I write a post about my father’s death in my first month of blogging – you might want to read it. http://www.homelifesimplified.com.au/the-ripple-effect/
It is nice to know he is still missed after so many years. My littlest one looks like him (my mom found photos from when he was very young and you can see the resemblance so clearly). Much love to you and your family xx
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Twitter: findyoursimple
April 19, 2012 at 7:02 pm
I am so filled with gratitude towards all of you who have commented or shared this post today – your stories, your fears, your hopes, your tips and suggestions – they all kept me company today. I have read and re-read them all a few times already and am sure I will again.
I want to send a huge hug to all of you who suffered as children as well and identified with Alice- i have received some emails with more stories and I wish I knew the right words to say.
I already clarified about my own upbringing in the comments but also want to say that 99% of my yelling is totally unjustified – mine is not a case of kids out of control or being rude or anything we traditionally excuse adults yelling about. My yelling is usually anxiety based or over-reacting to situations that an average person would not even notice or be bothered by and has been directed at my kids and my husband. I just worried a little about the images created by the post and want to make sure it is 100% on me as it should be – not on my family or my kids. – also – day 2 went really well – there is hope! xxx
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WOW. If I really thought about it, I could of written this post Deb. As could of both my parents.
Reading this post has made me think- I NEED to stop this cycle. My daughter and step-daughter deserve better, my fiancee deserves better.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
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I suspect you will have touched a nerve with a lot of Mums with this post Deb (in a good way). I know you certainly have with me. I’m very much the same in that I have triggers that make me lose my temper. I’m definitely innately a yeller. All we can do I think is be mindful of ourselves and our behaviour and recognising that we do what we do is the first step.
As always a wonderfully honest and moving post. You never fail to remind me how much you rock missus!
Take care of yourself and be well soon.
xMx
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Oh Deb. I can’t tell you enough how I relate to that post. I have such anger/shouting issues that are 100% me. I react so badly to things and then have to apologise for things. I’m doing better, shouting less and trying to explain to the kids I shout when I get cross, but still explain its not right and I’ll try even harder not to. But I’m do scared the kids will say that to me one day.
But, sadly, the shouting in the house hasn’t lessened even though I’m doing better with it. I just don’t know how to help the other person in the house that shouts at every little thing.
But thankyou for this post Deb, it was so honest and open, it will have helped so many of us out there and it’s a subject not often talked about. So thankyou for talking about it.
Big hugs xxx
Twitter: Vicfinch
April 19, 2012 at 10:28 pm
You brave beautiful woman. Whether you know it or not, by taking responsible and owning your behaviour you are teaching your children a very valuable lesson. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re taking action to change, and that is far more then lots of people do. And remember, while you are a patent, you are firstly human, and us humans, we make mistakes. How else would we learn. Love and light deb xoxox
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This broke my heart. I remember being that child. But, unlike your daughters, I was far too fearful of my mother to ever tell her how I felt until my mid 20′s. I have very very few childhood memories that dont involve my mom screaming at the top of her lungs. I moved put of the house at barely 17…by that point our relationship had deteriorated to the point I thought we would never reconcile. I am pleased to say we eventually did, but it has taken a great deal of work, and understanding on both our parts. I don’t have the words to express how deeply the fact that you heard your daughter, and are working toward change, brings me joy. You didn’t wait till it was too late. You have the courage to rectify the wrongs now, before the damage is irreparable. You have the strength and honesty to admit you were wrong and ask forgiveness. Your daughters have a truly amazing role model in you.
Beautifully expressed, Karen. I agree that Deb is a brave and wonderful mother.
It’s easy to think that you’re perfect. It’s much harder to admit that you’re not!
x
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Twitter: findyoursimple
April 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Thank you so much – i have heard from several people who were “that child” and said similar to you – I do think it is all too easy (as someone commented already) to say accept me as I am – that is fine when no one is being hurt (emotionally is just as bad as physical) but it is time for me to work hard to change what has been a part of me for too long. I am so happy to hear that you were able to mend your relationship with your mother so many years later! xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Saying no to say yes
Sending prayers for strength for you and your family.
Oh Deb… oh. I really feel for you right now. Your darling children mean the world to you and I know you must be hurting.
Be gentle on yourself first and foremost. Being a ‘yeller’ isn’t the worst thing in the world and a lot of things are scary when we’re young that have a perfectly reasonable explanation when we’re bigger. Generations of children have been raised well and love their families to bits and pieces but I can guarantee you they felt terrified of their parents at one time or another. Not the end of the world.
I tell you that because I’m pretty sure you’re going to yell again, sometime, someday when your girls are little. You won’t be able to stop yourself no matter how hard you try. The best intentions in the world sometimes go astray. They need to know that it is a reaction that you are working on, not a reflection of them in any way.
They’re okay, they’re okay, they’re okay. And, just as importantly, you’re okay, Deb. x
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Twitter: findyoursimple
April 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Thanks Bron – they do know that but i think it is still hard not to internalize these things at this age. I have said so many times to them that it is my problem, i am not actually “mad” just overreacting and it is wrong etc, but the evidence shows they do take it on board on a deeper level. I know I will slip up but between myself and the time out gesture I am hoping to retrain myself (already on day 3 midday with kids here again sick and I am more in tune with my body than ever – i feel i am gaining power over my emotions again)
Debra Dane recently posted..Grateful for getting my groove back
One of the reasons I read your posts every morning (with my coffee – it’s the start of my day!) is because I feel I can relate so much to you – the sensitive child, the spirited child, the patient husband and the spirited Mum – who has moved away away from her home country
I am about 4 years behind so I’m so grateful to read and see your experiences because I really feel as though I learn so much from them. When I logged on yesterday and saw the title of your post I just ‘knew’ what it was going to be about. I knew, because I have yelled in the past and I have seen ‘that look’ on my children a couple of times – I am so incredibly grateful that you had the courage to share that post here because I think that if I ever feel my stress and anger rising again, I will remember this post and remember to walk away. Being able to have the ability to self reflect (and you definitely have that!) means that you recognise that there is an area you can improve on and not once did you put the blame on anyone else to justify it. I have also had a few moments in teaching where I raised my voice/yelled – also not good – but the fact that I did recognise that it was not the answer actually ended up making me a better teacher and more patient. I think your girls are so so lucky to have a Mum who is so in tune with them and we are so lucky to have someone who is willing to share her thoughts and experiences so honestly. Hope you all have a nice day x
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Thank you so much Emma – amazing how much we have in common right? I love the thought of being part of your morning ritual, there are so many of you out there that have now become part of my week / day from tracy wishing me a good morning on the facebook page to those of you linking up for SYL and I appreciate the sharing and connecting more than anything else. xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Routines, Goals and Planning for creative and type B personalities
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April 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Hey Deb, sorry to hear you’ve had such a hard week. Kids are so brutally honest aren’t they. At least you have got a chance to work on it and turn it around. Imagine if she’d never told you! What kind of relationship would you have in the future. Good luck.
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Thank you Deb. Really thank you. Your honesty, candour, clarity and willingness to be vulnerable have completely bowled me over. So much has already been said in the comments above but I need to add my voice to all of the others letting you know what an extraordinary mother and blogger you are. Your posts resonate so deeply with us because we have been there but you have the courage to write about it.
I was there (rock bottom) this morning and your words have allowed me to admit to myself what is really going on and what I must change. Like you, I grew up in a peaceful, no-yell family but I just get so frustrated and aggravated and sometimes I just cannot stay calm. But how can I possibly expect my son to do what I am unable to do myself??!!! Thank you for ensuring that today is my day 1. May the force be with all of us!!
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Twitter: findyoursimple
April 20, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I hope day 1 goes great Jen – day 3 is going strong for me. I think it takes a wakeup call/rock bottom sometimes to push us to try that bit harder. xxx
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Hi Deb.
Cyber hugs for you! I am 33, and if my Mum yelled at me right now, I would still cry! We have a great relationship … but, when she goes into high gear, we duck and run!
I used to be that person too … and every now and then, I put those ‘yelling’ shoes back on. (The last time, ages ago now, the kids’ Dad came and whispered in my ear … “You sound just like your Mother” – talk about a wake up!!!)
I have embraced the Keep Calm and Carry On mantra.
I have realised it doesn’t help anything or anyone when I get angry or stressed. Instead, I now see things from a ‘in 5 years time will this matter’ context.
When I was trying to ‘get a grip’ on my yelling, when I got mad, my voice got lower instead of higher. It helped teach me about self control. Thanks for posting this.
You are wonderfully brave, courageous and strong to admit you want to change. Best of wishes! You’ll get there xxx
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Oh Deb, I could have written this post. I feel bad because I swore I would not yell like my dad did but guess what? I fell into the trap. But we’ve recognised it Deb so we should feel good that we have and we’re courageous enough to admit our failings.
My 8yo son starts to blink really quickly when he see’s me getting riled up. It’s actually quite a good indicator to me that I’m starting to yell and need to stop.
Chin up brave lady; this parenting gig isn’t over by a long shot.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 20, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Isn’t it amazing how you can tune into their changes even if you can’t catch yourself. I am finding I am paying attention to the connection more now and being in tune with our body language, how they kids are breathing etc and taking those cues on board. I am also day 4 sugar free (for the 5th time in a year) and in super migraine zone but refuse to give in as that is my biggest trigger.
Debra Dane recently posted..Routines, Goals and Planning for creative and type B personalities
This is me. I even snapped and viciously growled at husband in the car on the way home. I feel rotten and need to change.
I am under a lot of stress and have anxiety issues. I don’t know where to start. I might have to look into anger management courses.
I don’t want to yell and the people I would give my life for. They don’t understand my petty excuses for yelling.
Day one starts tomorrow.
Oh boy. I finished reading that with tears in my eyes and it seems you are not alone with the many comments you’ve received here. I too have anger and frustration issues and I spend my whole day trying so hard to stay calm and not ‘lose it’. But I ‘snap’ so easily. I hate it. My anger and frustration gets directed at my husband and children but it’s really meant for me. I get so angry and frustrated with myself because I’m just not the ‘me’ I want to be in those moments! And I just don’t feel like I’m ever good enough.
The only thing that works for me is yoga (and meditation, when I am disciplined). Yoga teaches me that I am enough and that helps me take the pressure off and I feel so much more compassionate towards myself. (I am a massively harsh critic of myself). I absolutely love the spirituality of yoga and it keeps me ‘on track’. I come away from my yoga classes feeling calm, serene and able to face anything and remain completely ‘level’.
I walked past a sign out the front of a business recently that said, “This is your life! Do what you love and do it often”! I LOVE yoga so now I do it often!!! And I am feeling fantastic for it.
This was such a raw, honest and brave post. Thank you for sharing this. You have really made me think about my actions. Best wishes to you. Your girls are lucky to have you as their mum.
Honest post that is helping others in it’s truthfulness. I’d like to add that it would be better if you said to yourself – “I am the reason for living”. You will be happier making these changes in you and by doing so you will be a better mom, wife, friend, human. It just might be the better tactic and path. To say to her that she is the reason for living is a burden on her – might make her feel like now on top of everything else she has to be good so you have a reason to live. – Just my .02 – don’t want to lecture but with 3 kids of my own 20, 15 and 9 I’ve learned some things – but still have so much more to learn.
Oh and yes to yoga – and I add meditation. Also, foods can make people crazy – you’re right to stay away from sugar. Watch chemicals too. Overdoing carbs is like sugar.
Oh Deb, this post is just so beautiful in it’s honesty. We have all been there truly we have. Parenting is full of mistakes and new beginnings, every daymis the beginning of the future and brings with it a clean slate. Please do not be hard on yourself, I can so so clearly from so far away, what a beautiful mum you are and the fact thatmyou continue to work on yourself as a parent is proof of your utter dedication to your most precious role. Xxx
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April 30, 2012 at 10:00 pm
Deb – that was the most amazing honest blog post I have ever read. I too used to yell at my kids – now that we live in a Motorhome there is no chance for that to happen!
The few times that I have meet you I could tell that you love your family, and you are very passionate with what ever you believe in. I could tell that you adore your girls…and to be able to embrace them and say sorry, and to let them know that you now want to parent in a different way – that is gorgeous.
Life happens, and life gets in the way. I have done many things and said many things that I later kick my own butt over but I am taking each day as a new day, and can see the changes it has in our family. Its only the beginning…you have a beautiful heart and your girls will love you forever because you have showed them that you are only human xxx
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April 30, 2012 at 10:13 pm
Thanks so much Lisa – taking each day as a new day.. exactly right!
Debra Dane recently posted..Kids toys and playthings that go the distance
Oh honey i feel for you so much.. I know I have hurt my 7 year old daughter before while going through depression.. I put too much on her as the oldest and she is senstive and knows every upset in our house.. Its so hard to be the perfect parent and not let them see the human side that is us.. They dont understand that we dont feel well or cant cope.. they just know we are their mums..
Your daughter opened up and told you the truth what a huge step that is for you both
xxxxxx
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May 3, 2012 at 8:01 am
Thanks so much hon – interesting to hear your oldest is also sensitive and absorbing as I often wondered if she was born that way or my PND created a situation that led to her hyper awareness -(you know like developing a way to handle/process/protect herself from my anxiety and anger)
Debra Dane recently posted..Kids toys and playthings that go the distance
Deb, this is a beautiful, raw and heartwrenching post. Your honesty and bravery in sharing this is inspiring to me. Thank you!
Gosh, parenting forces us to grow up so much (even at 40) doesn’t it?
I’m still growing up too…
Twitter: findyoursimple
May 3, 2012 at 8:02 am
I wonder if we ever have it all figured out LOL think parents are always being challenged to continue growing up (i am think about all those parents who struggle with their kid’s weddings and grandchildren issues…)
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This post struck a timely chord with me. I have just left my daughter so that I may calm down after finding her doing the wrong thing. I know I overreacted but I was furious. You can think of all the excuses under the sun, but you are right, losing it says more about yourself and your own level of self control.
Thank you for being brutally honest. M x
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Tomorrow is my day one. Deep breaths and discussions with my children.
Twitter: findyoursimple
September 10, 2012 at 10:37 am
Great! it is hard but worth it – i still struggle, but am definitely yelling less and retraining my mindset to one of letting go of the little things. lots of deep breaths for sure xxx
thanks for sharing this – yes I am tearing up too ! I am a recovering yeller too.
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