One size doesn’t fit all

For the month of December I had a variety of guest posts on Thursdays with various viewpoints on parenting. As the internet died down I decided to close up shop over Christmas and New Year so did not share this wonderful post from a non-blogging friend of mine from Sydney. Kate is the mother of two boys and today she shares her view on the topic ”one size doesn’t fit all and equal is not always fair when it comes to children.”

I think any parent who has bought clothes for their child knows size 4 is not the same size in every shop.  The same goes for our children, just because two or more children have the same parents, doesn’t mean they will be they will be the same.

 

As a child growing up my parents made a point about trying to treat us equally, right down to the small change in an envelope with our Christmas presents- equal to the last cent. Trouble was, for many reasons, I never felt it was fair. That could be my personality and temperament, or it could have been the middle child syndrome at play, but at the end of the day, I spent a fair part of my childhood thinking (and even saying) “that’s not fair”.  Yet on paper they couldn’t have been more equal with the way they treated us.

 

As a parent, this is actually something I’ve thought a bit about, as my two children, like all children have their own personalities. Sean*(8) my eldest is a lot like me and Matt*(6) is very much like his Father and Hubby and I are a case of opposites attract. They both move through life in their own unique way with their own needs and interests, they are two different people.

When Matt started school he wanted a different lunch order to the one his brother always had for his Friday Lunch. Turns out Matt’s choice costs a bit more and Sean, true to form with numbers, commented on that fact. My response was simply “you can have the same if that is what you want”, and his reply was “No, I like what I have”. So far that is the only time comment has been made, so I’m guessing they haven’t inherited my Mother’s ‘equal spending gene’.

 

When the boys were younger, and more demanding of my time, I found (like most parents) some days I struggled with one or other being quite needy. Being a person who looks at the why something is happening, it occurred to me that Matt was most happy when he had time to sit on my lap and have a cuddle, be it reading a story or watching a TV show. Sean, on the other hand,wanted active participation from you, playing sport, cooking or building with Lego. Sure Sean never refused a cuddle and the story, but it didn’t seem to fill his cup the same way that a game of catch did, and certainly with Matt the game of catch had him hanging off my leg an hour later. That was the point I realised that there really wasn’t an equal in parenting my two children and fair was when I met the needs of each child in the way they wanted them to be met.

 

I can truly say that my children are not treated equally. The younger has a bigger room than the older,and the older is getting more money spent on his gift for Christmas. The older child joined a sporting team at six, the younger at five years old. The younger child’s athletic shoes cost twice as much as the older ones cricket shoes. The older one has many more friends over to play than the younger one and the list goes on. There are many things that aren’t shared equally, but I don’t ever recall hearing them say “that’s not fair” for anything other than moments where it was a justifiable comment.

 

So  when Matt takes himself off to his room to be alone when he is angry and Sean comes running for a cuddle when he is angry it really is obvious to me that there is no one size that fits all rule that I can use to meet their needs. They aren’t the same, they have different needs but so far so good the unequal seems fair to them and at the moment we’ve found the right size for them both.

 

From Deb: I also have two children who are opposites in most ways. My younger daughter definitely keeps an eye on things and does mention fairness, but it is another opportunity to teach her the lesson of focusing on what is important to her rather than having the same as everyone else. If she really wants a toy that costs $20 then that is the one she should select regardless of what her sister’s wish list item costs.

 

Do you have any interesting tips or views on this subject – share in the comments.

 

Find your simple,

Deb

 

 

*names changed for privacy

 

Scales image from flickr user Serge Melki