Helping our children let go of perfectionism

Two weeks ago I wrote about my own journey in letting go of perfectionism. I work on this constantly as I see how it negatively affects my marriage and my ability to parent. If I had to use one word to describe perfectionism for me it would be “critical” and I hate it! I see how my perfectionism leads me to mention little things that don’t matter, to comment when I would be better off staying silent. I watch as my words bring my 8 year old to tears – “little” comments that cut her deeply even if that was not my intention. That is the trick with trying to parent intentionally – I need to be intentional in not saying things as much as I am intentional in what I do say.

My kids are a big mix of my genes and my husband’s. They have different colouring, different personality traits, different preferences. What they do share in common is various anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies that come all from me.

Alice is 8 and has always been a rule follower, steady and careful – she fears ever making a mistake or having people find displeasure in her words or actions. Now that she is at school things are intensified because there are endless opportunities to be judged on performance and behaviour. Even though her teachers always love her as a model student she is afraid to ask them a question at times, stand up for herself or turn in less than perfect work. Most of her teachers have implemented reward and punishment systems (which we don’t do at home) which serve only to undermine her. If someone in her “group” misbehaves she is penalized. If she is seated next to someone disruptive she fears being punished for things she is not doing. Anxiety – anxiety- anxiety!

Lulu is 6 1/2 and struggles to make even the simplest decisions and fears taking risks like riding her bike without training wheels (although she finally did it!). She is bold and gets up to more daring adventures, but struggles to make a choice about food, clothes, how to spend her birthday money. You can see her worrying about making the “wrong” choice. She can let go when doing something of her own making, but put her in a setting like gymnastics class or swimming lessons where someone is judging and she resists. She will languish at a level for fear of pushing herself out of her comfort zone.

Both of my children are artistic (Alice in all visual arts and Lulu is musical and a natural drummer already). Being artistic involves taking risks, creating subjective work, trial and error. I want them to be free from these anxieties and fears and not to follow in my footsteps. I am trying to teach them there is no “wrong” in art, it is open to interpretation and even “mistakes” are not wrong, but can lead to something even better and unexpected.

I am working with Alice to teach her to break rules. I know others are working endlessly to teach their children the opposite. I need her to trust her own judgement and guts. I need her to be able to protect herself from those who would take advantage of her “goodness”. By teaching her to break small “rules” here and there I hope it teaches her about flexibility and that the world does not end because you decided to do the opposite of everyone else. She needs to question things for herself, define right and wrong from the inside out rather than external sources only.

How do I work to teach them to let go of perfectionism?

1. Show them everyone makes mistakes.

Alice recently forgot to finish one part of her homework and was terrified of bringing in her book (we only realised on Monday morning). I explained she could simply tell the teacher what happened and that she would finish it with the new homework. She wanted me to talk to the teacher as she was so afraid. I refused, but reassured her that her teacher would not be angry, knows she has done every bit of homework in the past and would understand. She needed to get comfortable having a conversation like this.

I reminded her how her teacher has on at least two occasions forgotten to send homework home on the assigned day. People get busy, feel unwell or get distracted all the time. This is not a sign of failure, but of being human.

2. Show them I (and their father) make mistakes.

Even more important is making them aware that we are not perfect so our expectations of them are not of perfection. We apologise when we need to. We say “oops” when we need to. We all learn from our mistakes and talk about it without stress.

3. Distinguish between big and small decisions.

Lulu especially needs to learn what not to stress over. The book about not sweating the small stuff is written for her. We remind her there will be endless more chances to pick a breakfast, buy a birthday gift or watch a different DVD.

4. Counter all or nothing and black and white thinking.

When something does not work out there is often the reaction of “I will never …” or “I can’t do …” and we work to help them see that it is a learning journey. We are all on the same journey and need to be patient with ourselves. When the girls are afraid to move up a level at swimming we work to calm that anxiety by talking about not playing it safe. They could stay at the same level forever and just keep swimming along and get bored (as happens to Lulu every time) or they can go out of their comfort zone and experience growth. The space out of their comfort zone is where they will feel challenged, excited, learn new things, explore their own limits and their creativity.

5. Encourage a realistic view.

Alice does well at school, but I know in her mind she focuses on a single missed spelling word or a math concept she does not get immediately. It is important to remind her that it is normal to get some right and some wrong and that is not failing. I want her to be satisfied with “good enough” even when she is striving for the best. Most people cannot win every game or get 100% every time.

6. Focus on the positive.

As I explore gratitude for myself I am encouraging the girls to do so as well. In every way a shift to a focus on the positive undermines the tendency toward perfection. I don’t want them to be in their late 30s and discovering this. I want them to start training their brains now – to focus on what they have, what they did accomplish, all that fills up their world!

I had a part in bringing perfectionism into their world from a young age and will do everything in my power now to undo this. Perfectionism can lead to eating disorders, post natal depression (I do not want them to inherit that from me), inflexibility, difficulty maintaining relationships and friendships, struggles with working with others amongst other things.

I think simply being conscious of this and being intentional in my parenting I can help them let go of perfectionism. I am grateful that I am on this journey now and through my own changes can be a better parent and positively influence them. I do not accept perfectionism as our “lot” in life and will fight every day to be rid of it – one mistake and broken rule at time!

 

Do you deal with this perfectionism challenge in your home? 

 

 

Find your simple,

Deb

 

 

Image credits: Perfection is imperfect

Creative life

Chasing perfection

 

 

Tagged as: anxiety, mindset, perfectionism