I never thought I would be so busy again.
I have been at home with the kids for nine years next month. The last two years with both kids at school found me on a slow decline into a stage of life that included “filling my days”. I would run errands, volunteer at school, get some house stuff done and eventually pick them up from school again.
I started renting videos and catching up on all those movies I missed in their early years when we went from weekly cinema visits to annual.
I started aimlessly window shopping and trying to find something to put in my cart.
I started panicking – what was I going to do since it had been so long since I last worked.
Last year I decided to start something for me and for my future. I would study, start a business, find my feet on a new path. On the side I started the blog naively thinking it would be a few hours a week. I was shocked to find myself not just on a new path, but in a new world.
Suddenly videos went unwatched. Books on my bedside table seemed to stay there a lot longer. My lack of aimless shopping helped the bank account (slightly).
Right now I am working on my first “work” project and I will be honest and say it has been a hard road full of self doubt and fear and exhaustion. Several times I thought I would stop. It seemed easier to just head back to the video shop or the mall – aimless was easy.
Then I realised that easy is not better, it just hurts less.
Did I really want to go back to aimless?
I started to feel grateful for the pain and discomfort. I started to exercise those long neglected parts of my mind. I started to trust that this new path and new world were ones I could navigate.
So tonight as I am too tired to write a long blog post I am grateful for that exhaustion – like muscles that have been worked to the point of fatigue, I am starting to use up everything I have. As the trainer at the gym often says to us “have you got anything left in the tank?” Finally I can answer no, I am using it all up today!
I am grateful for no longer needing to “fill my days”.
What are you grateful for this week?
Find your simple,
Deb
Photo credit: Exhausted
linking up with Bron and Kidspot for 52 weeks of grateful over at their Village Voices hangout!
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I know what you mean Deb, exactly.
I’ve been out of work 4 years now, I left work after I lost my twins then fell pregnant with my son. I spent so much of those first 6 months home lost, bored, looking for something. I started blogging in early 2009 from my Journey to Bliss blog, to help my healing. I didn’t blog regularly back then but something changed in me in 2010 I started find my way being a mum, found my light again, my spark. Now I have two blogs covering many of my life’s passions across them and I have never been busier or happier……I’m fulfilled, I’m tired, but it’s great and I’m grateful too.
My Vintage Vow recently posted..A Vintage Affair: Helga Von Trollop – Guest Post
Trudie i love that “found my light again, my spark” – that is what we all need right?
Debra Dane recently posted..Thank YOU for being here
I’m grateful for a well oiled self-care mechanism whose warning signals are currently on amber alert. That’s ok…I know what to do.
Let’s hang in there x
kirri recently posted..Wishes for my birthday girls
amber alert is ok — we just need to stay out of the red zone!!
Debra Dane recently posted..Learning to bite my tongue
What a beautiful post Deb, I can very much relate. Love your blog and your writing. x
Jodi Gibson @ Lipgloss Mumma (formerly The Scribble Den) recently posted..An old friend
Right back at you Jodi – i often feel when I read your blog I am reading some of my own thoughts written out xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..How I dropped 150 blogs in an hour
I love “easy is not better, it just hurts less”. I often think how it would be so easy to not put in the hard yards – but then absolutely nothing changes. There is nothing fulfilling about the easy road. You are doing an awesome and inspiring thing here – and I hope you can get some rest soon.x
Debbie @ Aspiring Mum recently posted..Playing With Abandon.
Thanks Debbie! off to lunch with my husband so while I am not getting extra physical rest (so need to get to bed earlier – my endless dilemma) I am getting a separation from the computer / office which is as good as a holiday right?
Debra Dane recently posted..How to free up extra time in your week
I just want to give you the biggest hug and tell you how proud I am of you Hun. Your exhaustion is inspiring, cause you are doing something for you. Watching the videos and wandering aimlessly would be both the easy and hard option at the same time, what you are doing is leading the way for all the other woman who are wandering aimlessly. Lead the way sunshine. Xx I am so sorry we didn’t get to catch up, traveling with another family meant we were. Running from one thing to another trying to keep everyone happy. Hopefully we will get together sooner rather than later. BIG HUGS xxx
Sonia LLH recently posted..Cocktails, Mocktails and G Forced Breasts – All on a Family Holiday!
Thanks Sonia (and for your comment on my yelling post – both ended up in spam and I just found them). I wish we could have got together but am glad you have explained how crazy busy you were … next time for sure! love ya – deb xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..Learning to bite my tongue
It sounds like you made the right decision to start that work project. Exercising my brain is the thing that keeps me sane. ANd this week I am grateful to be home from a trip to the US, with all my family safe and under one roof again. x
Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right recently posted..Parent teacher night angst
I hope you had a great trip and now enjoy your time back home
Debra Dane recently posted..How to free up extra time in your week
I hate ‘filling’ my days. I have found blogging fills a small hole but really need to think about study or some kind of work that allows me to be with the kids afterschool. Still working on finding the right thing to do! Goodluck and I’m sure everything will pay off!
Annaleis Topham recently posted..Blue Love
Annaleis it took me 2 years to simmer until i found what direction I wanted to head (and even then I have learned more of what i DON”T want than what i DO want in the last 9-12 months – all helpful on the journey though). Even at 40 I have realised there is still so much life ahead of me that there is time to figure it out and still have a career / business/ passion filled life
Debra Dane recently posted..Grateful for getting my husband back
That’s fantastic Deb. To me work has always been more about offering your gifts to the world than making money, and it sounds like your work project is a step in that direction, too. it will be all worth it and it will feel so rewarding once you are done.
Tat recently posted..Grateful for morning sickness
Thanks tat – my ultimate aim is to offer my unique gifts + make money so I can keep doing it and grow (personally) and share even more
Debra Dane recently posted..Learning to bite my tongue
Grateful that although I have a cold and writers block, I can snuggle up in a warm bed and have a good nights sleep. x
Leanne @ Uber Simplicity recently posted..tale of a deb dress (subtitle: ash & tears)
I am glad you are snuggled up – i hope some of those vitamins/pills you took help. It is raining so heavily today that I hope you snuggle up and rest all weekend Leanne!
Debra Dane recently posted..Thank YOU for being here
There is a wonderful satisfaction radiating from your post, Deb. I’m so happy for you – for your positivity and your daring. x
Maxabella recently posted..52 Weeks of Grateful: Bedtime
Thanks Bron – I feel I have been on such a journey with this. It really is amazing how your confidence can start out so low when you stop the SAHM thing and try to cross over back into producing work and trying to make money again. Thanks for your support and encouragement.xx
Debra Dane recently posted..How I dropped 150 blogs in an hour
I read this post on Friday night Deb, but didn’t leave a comment, sorry! I’m exhausted tonight, in a physical sense from a busy weekend working bee at home. I think we learn so much about ourselves when we are exhausted both physically and mentally. I find sometimes in my job I have to pass the days, and it is a real challenge for me. I need to be inspired and motivated constantly, and I get the feeling you do too. xx
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