This will be a quick one. I almost didn’t write – again. I have been struggling lately and never know how much to share in this space, what to keep private and where the line or need is. What’s whinging? What’s helpful? What’s what?
I have a pretty good life. I have two amazing daughters and a husband who has been by my side for almost 18 years. And yet I struggle – too often (at least as defined by me as “too” often).
I have many great and amazing things going on in my life right now – great friends, paid work which is exciting, an upcoming overseas trip to my home, but amongst the other negative things good things can also be too much.
My health has been driving me insane and I am over it all.
My stress levels are high even when I work at letting go, creating tons of breathing room and practicing self care. My mind never stops, worries creep in, jumbles of thoughts tire me out.
The final straw was the realisation that although I was holding my head above water and doing “okay” it was not sustainable. I asked my husband if he had to work hard at daily living? He said no – of course he did, most people just live – they do not work at being alive every day and keeping their head above the water line. It is exhausting and the sheer effort of trying to be okay takes any of the magic out of life. A person can only tread water for so long before their legs give out.
I use gratitude and focus on the small things – they keep me going, but as I said I work at it – it does not come naturally these days.
I don’t want to have to work at living- I want to live and feel the magic and breathe with ease and not effort.
I am grateful I have previous experiences that let me now know what it feels like to walk the line and wonder if you are going to crack.
I am grateful that when I talked over how I was feeling with a few trusted people I received support that let me finally say I need help again.
I am grateful I have a doctor who does not think it is crazy to make a pre-emptive move and go back on medication rather than wait for the slight cracks to fully rip me in half.
I don’t want to be on the holiday of my dreams and crack open.
I don’t want to hold my breath hoping to get through months of my life in one piece – knowing all the while that I was using every bit of energy just to do that.
I choose to reach for the magic however that has to happen and I am grateful that I finally got past my fear of admitting I was taking backward steps for a moment and grateful I have been told it is not backwards at all.*
Find your simple,
Deb
Edited to add: I wrote a follow up post a few days later about the validity of all pain – instead of downplaying (or downgrading) your difficulties because they are not as bad as someone else’s (or as bad as they can get) allow yourself to seek support and understanding or simply give yourself a break.
* I shared my return to medication (today is day 3) because over the years I have spoken with so many PND survivors who battle this choice all the time. When you have been off medication for a long time it can be gut wrenching to decide to return to meds. I only briefly hesitated going on meds when I had severe PND, but when things are not at breaking point you are left always feeling tomorrow will be the day you declare you are ok. Whether this is a temporary return or long term need it was the right step for me right now. If you are struggling and need help please don’t ever judge yourself as failing or weak or any other bad thing we tell ourselves while we use every ounce of strength to keep going.
Image credit: by flickr user Gerry T
{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }
Deb, I am here for you in whatever capacity you need me. I would fly to Brissy in a heartbeat if you thought it would help to meet up. I am so sad that you are feeling this way again, but I am very inspired by the positive action you have taken. Sharing like you have in this post is helpful to many, I think. That’s gotta count for something, even though it doesn’t take the strain away.
“I don’t want to have to work at living” – goosebumps, Deb. That’s such a powerful statement, it says so much and helps me see the trials that you go through every single day, just because you’re here. That’s not right and it’s not fair and it’s not the way it’s always going to be.
You’re going to beat this again, Deb. You are. x
Maxabella recently posted..Road tripped
Thanks Bron – I am so grateful you are always here in my life even if it is far away. We just found out yesterday that since he has no work here hubby will start commuting between here and Brisbane next week for the rest of the year until our trip. I will be keeping an eye out for a deal for flights to sydney (shout if you see one) and we will come down fro a long weekend with him one week – then we must meet up!!
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Oh, Deb.
I read out your post and my husband said ‘when did you write that?” So know that I am here with you and I am one who has to work at living. The blessing I hold onto is a wonderful, understanding and patient husband and 3 boys who love me even when I’m not the best version of myself.
Andrea
Oh Andrea I had no idea – biggest hugs to you hon and I am here if you ever need to talk too! xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Keeping the art of writing alive with our kids
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I’ve really struggled this year, and can never work out how to ask for help. Everyone around me seems so much better at just getting on with things. I’m so glad you are taking steps to look after yourself. xx
Thanks Shel – sorry this year has been a struggle (it has been a big time of change for you though xx) – ask for help if you need it – i am good about asking people for support and help, but the meds were just another step i was afraid to take after not needing them for so many years (well rather not taking them – i probably needed them several times but pushed through)
Debra Dane recently posted..Transforming my kitchen counter clutter hotspot with Howards Storage World
Lots of your thoughts reflect my own, especially wanting to be present for the magic of life & spending so much energy on just breathing that you lose that. It’s only recently I’ve been honest with my family and sought help. It’s very hard to find time and space to heal when you are a mum. I really appreciate your honesty in posting. I am grateful for you sharing x
Thanks Elissa and big hugs for your struggles as well xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Letting go
Oh Deb. thinking of you and sending you love and strength. I am glad you wrote this, there is nothing to be ashamed of. We need to do what is best for us, always. And taking some meds to help you in this situation is no different in my mind than taking antibiotics when you are sick. Sometimes we need a little extra help to be ok and that is perfectly ok.
Big hugs to you lovely. Xxxx
Thanks Bi – I know and I have said that to hundreds of women over the years which is why i felt like a hypocrite – it is always easy to encourage others (as I have been doing for years) but when faced with it again it is actually quite hard to admit you need to go back on meds – what is really struggling “enough” to warrant that call to the doctor – it is so hard to determine! That’s why i wanted to share as it is just as hard -if not harder- to choose meds a 2nd or 3rd or 4th time around.
Debra Dane recently posted..4 ideas for kids to document everyday life
Sending lots of love and virtual hugs your way. Thank you for sharing, the more we can share about how we are feeling and what steps we are taking to help, the more we have the chance to help others who may be feeling the same way. There is no shame in taking medication that makes you better, there is no shame in wanting to be the very best you you can be, and there is no shame at all in admitting that you are not coping. I am walking the same fine line at the moment and plan to have a chat to my boss today. I have to first work up the courage. Life is meant to be lived freely, and you have to do whatever it takes to make that happen. It doesn’t matter how good our lives may be, or may appear on the outside, if we are suffering within, nothing outside of medical help will make things better. Thank you for sharing Deb. You truly are an amazing woman, admitting any weaknesses does NOT change that at all.
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset recently posted..Thankful For Being Sick
Thank you beautiful Aroha – your words all during this year have always made me feel supported and encouraged and blessed. I hope your conversation happens soon and that you feel up to it – know I am always here too if you need someone to listen xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..Keeping the art of writing alive with our kids
Deb I am in Brisbane, one phone call, email, twitter, pigeon letter, I will be there, for whatever you need. X
Beth recently posted..DIY Basket
Thanks you hon – it means a lot to me. That’s the funny thing – i really am handling day to day ok in terms of life carrying on, kids being fed, work getting done, but it takes twice as long or i just feel anxious or empty as I do it some days. My health issues and stress are the main culprits right now.xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..Letting go
Sending you lots of love and positive vibes Deb. looks like you are looking after yourself which your family will appreciate more than you know. Hopefully allowing you to ‘live’ every moment!
I will be thinking of you,
Annaleis xxx
Annaleis recently posted..{Wordless Wednesday} Flowers in the Garden
Thanks Annaleis – it is nice knowing others will be thinking of me xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week 39 Parenting}
Good on you for being self reflective enough to notice what is going on, take care, go easy on yourself. I appreciate you sharing, it is helpful for others- I didn’t realise for a really long time that other people didn’t have to work so hard at living!
I hear you – that’s why I finally asked my hisband as I know he struggles from time to time too but i wondered if he struggled daily – i realised other people simply live the way we simply breathe and i know that was not the case for me – i had to choose each day to stand and fight for myself, i had to choose to focus and give attention and love to others or i would just pull away completely. so i kept busy, pushed myself to the gym or to socialise and truly enjoyed them but not naturally and with ease. xx hugs to you
Debra Dane recently posted..Top 10 arts and crafts supplies for kids + giveaway
I am so sorry that you are struggling. I stumbled upon your blog somehow and have really enjoyed it- often marvelling at your wisdom and ideas. I am right there with you when you describe the effort that daily life requires. It seems almost wrong when you could describe your life on paper and most anyone would switch places with you yet it doesn’t feel that way from the inside. Then there’s the guilt about those feelings!
I have been on medication a few different times and it has provided me the help I needed at the time and i am reserving the option to return to it. Currently I am finding that daily
exercise is helping a lot and when I don’t get it- my mood suffers.
Feel free to email me if you need to chat:).
All the best. xo
Thanks Kristen – i do need to stay on top of my exercise and know it is a key piece of the puzzle. Great that you are seeing relief from it – i know many people that it is the best treatment for them. I wish i got that endorphin release but never seem to achieve it (sigh). have a fabulous weekend xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Top 10 arts and crafts supplies for kids + giveaway
I feel for you Debra.
Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right recently posted..Tom ‘Will it Blend?’ Dickson and his gift of ADHD
Thanks Rachel xx
Debra Dane recently posted..My adopted home
Thanks so much for sharing so bravely. I really admire your honesty and willingness to share your struggles so that others are encouraged to seek help too. I know it’s been a blessing to me reading some of the things you wrote about PND in the past and I am sure others have been helped too.
You know, just this week I was thinking as I reflected to a friend that it’d be helpful to re-define the word ‘coping’. Instead of it being some kind of standard I use to beat myself up with (I should be “coping”), I need to think of it as “doing whatever I need to get the help I need to survive and thrive”. I think that’s something you’re a great example of – thank you.
Since my husband came down with post-viral chronic fatigue in December 2011, I’ve been looking after him as well as my 2 young kids (3yo and 18m). It’s been a very long year, but I have learned so much about looking after myself. Tried some crazy things to reduce stress too (let me know if you want any ideas for the blog) and all through this I’ve really benefited from reading your blog and the ongoing encouragement to ‘find your simple’. I really hope that you’ll be able to find whatever it is you need to do, or not do, to find wellness and thrive.
Thank you so much Bron – sending you some strength too – I am glad that amongst your hard time you have learned about taking care of yourself instead of further losing that while immersed in caring for others.
Debra Dane recently posted..Keeping the art of writing alive with our kids
I work in health and know that a lot of women don’t act soon enough. Thank you a million times over for talking about how you feel and what you did. Thank you
Oh Deb, I am sorry to hear that you are battling this. Your honesty in sharing is very much appreciated – and I totally get having to ‘work hard at daily living’. I love how you can still see the positives despite feeling the opposite. Take care of yourself.xx
Debbie @ Aspiring Mum recently posted..Delicious Strawberry Treats.
Thanks Debbie – you too xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Keeping the art of writing alive with our kids
I’m glad you have people who support you. And a doctor who understands pre-emptive medicating.
I have dealt with depression since I was 13 and panic disorder since I was 21. Between understanding and supportive family and friends and medication for a time, I mostly have both under control. I do know about struggling just to live…feeling like you will drown at any moment. Actually, that sense of drowning (or cracking) is what caused my panic attacks back when I was 21. Anyway, I just wanted to say this post resonated with me because I’ve been there (recently but due to personal grief and not actual clinical depression), I lost a friend to suicide (the aforementioned personal grief) who lost the struggle with living despite supportive friends and medication, and I have another friend who fights a similar battle but it is not due to clinical depression (she is bipolar and schizophrenic).
It is refreshing to read a blog that isn’t just the positive or funny aspects of the blogger’s life. I’m so sorry you are coping with PND. I am grateful you are willing to share your struggles.
Thanks Rachel – so nice to get so much wonderful support. I am so sorry for your loss – I will be thinking of you xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Top 10 arts and crafts supplies for kids + giveaway
Oh Deb, such a brave post and a lovely one to share. I have days where I struggle, but know that there are others working harder than me to get through each day who I would love to have read this post and know that it’s OK to say I need some help, and that it is OK that medication can be the hand you need.
I hope your trip is all that you want it to be and more xoxox
Nat – Muddy Farmwife recently posted..Grateful for the chance
Thanks Nat – i hope my words do help them – it can be so hard to take that step to medicate even when intellectually we know it is ok…
Debra Dane recently posted..Letting go
Sending love and strength Deb. Good on you for reconising when it was time to ask for help, and thank you for sharing with us. I’m sure there are people reading this right now, who are feeling similar, and are scared to ask for help xx
Jane @ The Hesitant Housewife recently posted..Friend From Afar.
Thanks Jane – that is exactly why I decided to write and have already received emails from some people which made me cry, but in a way that i know it is always worth it to be vulnerable and share as it usually helps others. xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..My adopted home
I dont want to have to work at living….oh how I know that feeling.
You are so very brave to say those words.
Thankyou for sharing so others dont feel so alone.
I wish you much strength and send you much love.xx
Thanks as always for the support Deby – hugs to you too xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Top 10 arts and crafts supplies for kids + giveaway
Deb, it is so brave of you to share this and I hope it has helped you to write it out too. I think pre-emptive moves are very wise, and I’m glad you have an understanding doctor, and a supportive family. Big hugs and best wishes.
Happylan recently posted..Grateful for the break
Thank you so much. The hugs do help xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Keeping the art of writing alive with our kids
Deb, once again it has been after reading one of your posts and the comments from your lovely followers that I realize that I am not alone. Lately I have been feeling the “cracks” widening and as someone who seems to be able to push through them and get to the other side in due course, I am beginning to feel that this time is different and that it is time for me to reach out and talk about it. For some reason, it has been a hard step to take but you have made me realize that it is important and necessary to take action before it gets any worse. Luckily, I have been able to identify some of the things that contribute to my feelings of “anxious helplessness” (for lack of a better term) through the work that I have done with SYL, and now you have made me realize that it is okay to go even further, that sharing my concerns with my doctor, family and close friends is not going backwards, it is actually going forwards. I am so thankful that you are willing and able to share the good times and the not-so-good times in your blog, please know that you are helping people (like me) who sometimes feel like no one understands. Wishing you many moments of love and strength as you find your way back to the top.
Oh Beth I am so sorry you have been experiencing ever widening cracks as well – you know how much it means to me that we have connected through this space – honestly if you ever want to talk please email me – do not worry about whether i am ok with it – i am – definitely write if you need to vent, chat, figure anything out… lots of love to you – let me know what happens with the doctor and/or your family xx
Debra Dane recently posted..4 ideas for kids to document everyday life
Thank you Deb. A million and one thank yous. Starting to talk about it has been making me feel stronger to do something about it and more able to cope. I will keep you posted. I so truly appreciate your support.
Oh Deb, you gorgeous girl. I am so proud of you. You know why. Serotonin is a curious beast. Thank goodness we can do something constructive when it’s in short supply.
The brave ask for help. And you have bravery in spades.
You are a gem for sharing this so openly. More bravery. I might do a similar post very soon – thanks for the nudge. J x
Jane recently posted..Crafting up a storm
Thanks Jane – talking to you the other day helped as well – i felt like talking / emailing and including that I was going back on meds with several people took the next step before the prescription even arrived. xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Transforming my kitchen counter clutter hotspot with Howards Storage World
Once again you inspire with your honesty Deb. You are, as always, awesome (even when you feel you’re not). Big {{{HUGS}}} to you from the other side of the globe.
Marie recently posted..Live Deliberately
Thanks Marie – you always make me feel great! I hope you are doing okay too – i think about you often xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week 39 Parenting}
I’m so sorry you are feeling swallowed up right now. I have been struggling with depression for years and can completely relate. What you said about holding your breath hoping to get through a few months rang so true for me- that is just how it feels.
I have found that there are so many shades of depression that what may work to for me one time may or may not help the next. Sometimes exercise works, sometimes it is meds, sometimes it is time. One thing that helped me last time was a book. It didn’t (obviously) cure me, but it gave me some better tools for understanding how I was feeling. It’s called Noonday Demon and is written by Andrew Solomon. The author has suffered intense depression for his whole life and the way he talks about it is really interesting.
When you get depressed like we do, I think it is really easy to compare yourself to other people and think that you are doing a bad job at living because you aren’t as happy as other people and you can’t manage the small things that make life happen. For me, that makes everything worse. I have learned that I am very different and have to think of myself that way. Living is a daily struggle, but if I keep my focus close (both on me and on the moment) I can look for little blips of light to ride, and those blips are where I find the magic.
Thank you for being brave with your post.
Big love xx
Thanks Kalin – i will check on that book. Big hugs back at you. I will look for those blips of light.
Debra Dane recently posted..4 ideas for kids to document everyday life
I don’t think most people just live – many people struggle. My saying is the only people who are normal are the ones we don’t know very well. Lots of love and hugs and empathy to you. You are definitely not alone in your challenges.x
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Missed your comment somehow – thank you for the support.
Debra Dane recently posted..A story to tell – Interview with Jane from Life on Planet Baby
When I find myself working hard to live I often realise it is because I’m trying to please everyone else, investing my energy in other people’s stories, trying to keep up. I can’t keep up, so I step out of the arena and focus on myself. It is lonely sometimes, but it gives me the breathing space I need and helps me to see what I need to do. It’s not the crack you should worry about swallowing you up, it’s the world! There is information and emotion overload waiting for us at the click of a button. Too often the door is thrown open with abandon, maybe we should only open it just a crack
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Information and emotional overload are definitely things I contend with. I hope you are okay too Laney – thanks for the support – deb xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week 39 Parenting}
Hi Deb,
Thankyou for being so honest and brave in your post, atleast bringing these things out in the open may help others to put things in perspective and perhaps seek help when needed, look after yourself
Thanks Sam – that was my intention. I appreciate the support xx
Debra Dane recently posted..My adopted home
Deb I am so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. But when I read your post I hear and feel positiveness and hope. This is so inspiring, and even more so to be so brave to acknowledge that it has not been easy. Sometimes this is the hardest thing . I hope a little more sunshine shines your way soon xox
Tahlia @ the parenting files recently posted..I am grateful for: photos
Thanks Tahlia – a little more sunshine would be great. xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Top 10 arts and crafts supplies for kids + giveaway
Deb, what an honest and beautiful post. I’m sorry things have been so tough lately. I can certainly relate to the “treading water” metaphor. You’re right–daily living should not be so draining. I’m hoping you are feeling better already; you live so intentionally and help so many people, I’m sure that you are on the road already. Much love xo
Thank you Amy – love to you too – I hope you are doing well (i am thinking of you all the time – you have to be the strongest chick I know right now xx)
Debra Dane recently posted..Top 10 arts and crafts supplies for kids + giveaway
Sending you hugs Deb.
I know what you mean about not knowing when to draw the line with what we share on our blogs, but I’m glad you had the courage to write your post and shared it with everyone. There maybe someone else going through a similar stage in their life and by reading this post they get the help they need.
I hope you start feeling better with the medication soon.
take care,
xx
Julie recently posted..Week 38: Happy Outcomes
Thank you so much for the support Julie xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Letting go
This is such a powerful post – thank you for sharing. I am so sure your words here will help many who battle the same daily struggle but have not been able to articulate it. And you have also shown that there is no shame in talking about it, in seeking help. Brave, beautiful, bold writing, loved it x
Donna @ NappyDaze recently posted..Grateful for a purple patch of parenting
Thanks Donna – really appreciate it. xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week 39 Parenting}
Deb, it is very kind and brave of you to share this, and obviously, it is helping many. Hoping you can live and feel the magic again, very soon. Sending much sunshine your way. xx
Thanks Kate. Even writing this and starting meds was very freeing and took some of the pressure off so I started feeling better almost immediately. getting there slowly xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..How to start a small business on a budget
Hi Deb,
I’m a little late, but obviously from the volume of comments (I haven’t read many of them) your brave sharing has struck a chord with many. Isn’t it great, through this blogging world, that we realise we’re not alone in our heads, hearts & daily struggles. I was glad at the end to hear you’ve returned to meds, as the struggling to just live feeling is one I relate to when I’ve needed meds for help. At the moment (on meds & occasionally wondering if I should go off them) I’d describe it more as I can over think life. It’s much easier to just live though than it used to be and I don’t feel like I’m struggling, which is great. Well done making a pre-emptive move & not needing to crash before getting help. Have a wonderful, peaceful holiday when you go, Shell.
Thanks Shell – for your support and for sharing too – I hope you are doing well right now – thinking of you too xx
Debra Dane recently posted..All suffering and difficulty is valid
Hey Deb, I have been away and only just stumbled on this post. I feel for you my friend, I’m glad to see you yourself can see the signs and are strong enough to make the right decisions for you.
Mandy recently posted..Spring Time Swimming
Thanks Mandy!! Glad you had a nice break and welcome home xx
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