Yesterday we had yet another heavy discussion with Alice about her food issues. I have made a real effort in recent weeks to eat with the girls more and have more family meals on weekends. The net result has been more opportunities for her to try foods and the follow on is an increase in her stress levels (often internalized). We have been following some additional strategies we learned from our Occupational Therapist appointment last month.
We were about to have a BBQ for dinner as we often do on Sundays. Unfortunately I did not realize we had no sausages on hand (her preferred food when we have our BBQs) so we were making hamburgers and had a few chicken satay skewers as well. She got very upset at the idea, but thankfully we had a good chat after I calmed her down.
She said she had already tried so hard this week since we had three dinners together in a row. She just wanted a quesedilla and to relax. We talked about progress and how I could keep helping her. She finally said she does want to make progress, but wished she could just arrive magically at the end result. I could totally understand and relate – both for her own story (how I wished we had a magic fairy who would sprinkle dust on our house and make this better) and for my own. I realized this is exactly how I feel when I am pushing myself in a new direction and am afraid and uncomfortable. Resistance is normal. It is hard to push through. Too often I have also wanted some magic fairy dust to help me skip the hard parts.
We were brainstorming what can help her and one idea was a chart to map her progress. I went against my normal hatred of reward charts and asked her if she wanted to have a goal in mind and a reward for reaching it.
She suggested for every 10 days she tries new foods she gets “a day off”.
I loved the fact that she chose a non-material reward.
I pointed out that 10 days might be pushing herself too hard and we settled on 6 days of the week she tries something she does not normally eat and 1 day to simply enjoy all her favourite foods with no new foods at all. The “day off” can change according to the week so she is in control. We will work out the new foods together (something I keep trying to involve her in, but she often refuses to plan the meals with me).
Not quite the magic fairy dust we all hope for to make change easier, but I think we have touched on many of the issues that cause the stress and anxiety. Not knowing what is coming can make things more intense when you are suddenly faced with a challenge. Not giving yourself a break can lead to burnout. It is great to strive for change and growth, but if you are in it for the long haul you really need a plan and time to reboot and rest (physically and emotionally).
I love how in the midst of “teaching” or guiding my child I have these moments of teaching myself.
Do you ever have your own a-ha moments when parenting your children? Like us, do you wish for magic fairy dust in your life?
Find your simple,
Deb
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: Kellyexeter
April 24, 2012 at 8:21 am
There is so much I love about this post – I learn so much from you Deb!! Love hearing the thought processes and the strategies that emerge!
Kelly Exeter recently posted..So Kelly … what exactly is it that you do?
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 24, 2012 at 9:56 am
Thanks Kel. I am just glad we are in the age range now where they can express their own ideas so clearly as kids really do have a lot of insights to share.
Debra Dane recently posted..Saying no to say yes
Twitter: Sp3llB1nd3r
April 24, 2012 at 8:27 am
I have all too many of those moments…including the one about my 17 year old son leaving home. He needed to do it for himself. He’s grown and taken on much more responsibility for himself in the past three months.
I’m so glad we all had the courage to move forward. xxx
carmen@musingnmayhem.com recently posted..The dilemma of the letter G.
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 24, 2012 at 9:58 am
That is great – it does take courage sometimes to trust them to know what they need. I cannot even imagine yet how I will feel when they leave home but I was just talking to a friend yesterday because we both grew up (US and UK) with leaving home to go to college/university and here kids tend to stay at home while they study. We both feel at 18 they really need that space to leave and grow and find their own way on their own feet.
Debra Dane recently posted..Learning to bite my tongue
Twitter: AiSakuraHaruka
April 24, 2012 at 8:28 am
This is a very gd idea! I might try it out with my girl as she is a little resistant in eating certain kinds of food too
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Twitter: findyoursimple
April 24, 2012 at 10:00 am
If she is just resistant for a few foods i would not worry too much (although charting new foods can be a fun activity in itself without a reward -as we have some pamphlets from our greengrocer that show all the fruits and veg and what seasons they are found etc where we circled what everyone was interested in trying) – our case is a very narrow field of food choices + stress and anxiety and fear after more than 5-6 years of avoiding foods.
Debra Dane recently posted..How to free up extra time in your week
I love it that she came up with her own ‘reward’. Oh, it’s a constant learning/ stretching game this parenting she-bang, isn’t it. I wouldn’t mind a bit of that magic fairy dust myself!
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 24, 2012 at 10:02 am
I know me too!
- i was prepared to pay good money if it helped, but am so thrilled she did not even think of prizes or “things”
Debra Dane recently posted..How I dropped 150 blogs in an hour
I feel for her. We have food issues in our house and I have found eating together helps. We still working very hard on trying new things. But we still persevere without making a huge deal of it.
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 24, 2012 at 10:24 am
Definitely eating together – i think that was one of our contributing factors (for years i chose to eat with my husband after he got home late from work and now I am trying to balance the 2).
We did not make a huge deal for years and settled into a “patient, trust it will improve” way of life, but progress was minimal. we have settled now into a middle path of still minimizing the stress, but pushing a little bit with some new rules that are helping as she needed (and asked for) someone else to make her push past the fears as they had grown too strong.
Debra Dane recently posted..Thank YOU for being here
Oh Deb, I hear you girl….. I must have missed the original post which you linked to but I hear your pain and I hear your strategies as well. My son (now 8) is the same…….. it drives me crazy. He immediately says he doesn’t like something even before he has tried it. Doesn’t like vegetables or salad. My daughter (now 5) eats just about anything, vegetables and salad and is happy to try something new any day of the week. That being said she doesn’t like tomatoes, rice or eggs but that is just “she doesn’t prefer them” over other things. Last night I did get her to try a tiny piece of tomatoe in a chicken and salad wrap (our first night ever for this meal) and she gave it another go. My son on the other hand, drove me batty. I just fed them the same 3 meals over and over so I knew they were going to eat dinner. He eats fruit (not as wide variety as my daughter) but at least eats fruit.
My friends all say just serve it up to them….and at the end of a long tiring day having someone complain, not eat, is the last thing an exhausted mother needs.
Recently I did watch the Super Nanny (you know the english one) see if you can download it and watch it and in fact, even get your daughter to watch it. Because this little 8 year old boy had never eaten a hot meal in his life and he was 8. All he ate all day long was custard cream biscuits, breakfast, lunch and dinner yet the sibling ate normal food and so did the mum. When they went to the Dads place (they were separated) the mother sent along the custard cream biscuits. Whilst this sounds extreme and our first thought might be to say the mother is to blame but I completely relate to it, not that I would allow my kids to only eat biscuits all day long. She did take the biscuits away from him and he did not eat anything or try any other food for nearly a week. She obviously couldn’t hold out any longer thinking he could die (as you do) so put him back on the biscuits…it’s a power struggle among mind struggle re the foods.
Anyway back to the story. The nanny came and within one week this kids was eating everything. What I took away from this show was that they probably can do it and most of it is in their mind stopping them being frightened. Try and download the show (it was on recently at about 10.30 at night maybe on channel 72. The next day I was telling my son about the show and how he started trying stuff and he loved it etc….I’m not saying this will work for your daughter but what the show did for me was give me the confidence to just say “it’s now or never” to help my child… a bit like sleeping all the way through…you have to put in extra work (ie putting the kids back into bed 100 times the first night, then maybe 50 times the next night and then maybe 5 and then within 7 days….your life is a whole lot better. Sort of like do you want every night of the rest of your life to be like this or do you just want 7 nights of it…umm… I have made a break through with my son which is just a miracle, 6 months ago I gave him pasta with 1 teaspoon of the mince sauce and he would push it around his plate. Now he eats a whole bowl. See if you can get that show and even talk about it to your daughter and sit and watch it. ie if that little boy didn’t like anything like you and now he tried the food and he is loving it….she may relate to a child her own age having problems and then she can see that he was scared and refused but he managed. I love the 6 nights and 1 night off in her control. Great thinking. Also get her to pick a vegetable and then look through a receipe book together and see how it would taste nice. Just watch the show….I know this is long but I know how frustrating the whole thing can be and completely understand where you are at right now. All the best Regards Kathy, Brisbane, Australia
Twitter: findyoursimple
April 24, 2012 at 10:27 am
Thanks Kathy – i will look for it to see if i can adapt anything.
I hear you on serving the same meals over and over as that was the easier path and Alice would have been that one to hold out for the whole week – i could not do that (and would have given in anyway). I don’t want to “break her” to get past this, but i want to have breakthroughs… I do feel sad that this boy was eating biscuits for every meal – most of what i have read on super extreme fussy eating / sensitivities etc many of the kids have foods in common that are at least nutrient filled vs. biscuits (like crackers, peanut butter, breads, fish fingers etc – it is amazing how many of them have similar short lists of foods)
Debra Dane recently posted..Learning to bite my tongue
what i love most about this.. is that you have such an open and honest dialogue with each other. That she has the love and safety (and the words!) to tell you exactly what is going on in her head and her heart, and that you take the time to listen, and be patient, and to work with her.
speaks volumes xx
Lyndal recently posted..only thing on my mind
Deb, you are amazing. That goal and how you both came about it is brilliant.
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It is so warming to hear how you are dealing with such a difficult situation but still building your relationship. It must be so reassuring for your daughter to know that you are trying to help her in such a positive way. What a wonderful Mum you are. xx
Shelley recently posted..The Landscape Of Childhood
Twitter: denwise1
April 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm
Oh my. What is it with people and food and judgements of others?
I am here from #TeamIbot Deb, and I re-read your post from last year before re-reading this one.
Progress.
I sense progress.
That is a bit of magic fairy dust…yeah?
May I add…as someone who was a bit fussy over food, and sometimes shy about eating strange foods in front of others as a young girl and teen I guess I grew out of it once I matured more.
Now to the stories of my grandkids which I hope gives you some fairy dust …
The grandkids now aged 15,13 and 11 were in fact fussy eaters to the point that my DD prepared them certain foods, in certain ways and with certain patterns (e.g. foods not touching) and offered rewards….this was from ages 4 – 9 give or take with each of them having their own ‘fussiness”.
They are kids whose parents divorced when they were all under 5 and I suspect having just mum making dinner it may have been easier to give into fads. I know when they went to their dad’s there was less catering for those needs.
As they have grown and become more relaxed now in a family with mum and step dad there is far less fussiness, and the family eats together every single night, at the table.
Meals are planned, and kids help with serving and some cooking. The girls are showing some interest in choosing healthy foods and the boy who has ASD can still be a bit faddy.
All in all I offer you a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
Food and emotions are sooooo linked. I could write a book.
Best wishes
Denyse
Denyse Whelan Education Specialist recently posted..A.N.Z.A.C. Day Eve. And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda.
I have a similar issue with my 9 year old, she hates meats. She also gets anemic too so I try as much as I can to get her to try them, she is getting better, we’ve worked out that its the textures she doesn’t care for and not meat flavour itself. We’ve kind of met her in the middle now, as a family we have cut down our meat intake so this means not every meal is meat orientated. It seems to work. My hubby also gets her involved in the preparation of meals and we tend to ignore the urghs and pulled faces and praise the behaviour we want to see from her when she is trying. I think its always going to be abit of a battle. Part of me thinks just let her go veggie but I think that should be her choice later on in life and that would be encouraging her to be fussy and picky. xxx
I really liked the way you guys set the goals together! Oh, and if you manage to find some fairy dust, please feel free to sprinkle some my way!!
MsMandie recently posted..You Talkin’ To Me?
A friend of mine had twin boys (they are teenagers now) and in order to get them to eat their veggies she would put those tiny weeny chocolate drops on the plate. (remember don’t judge… I see where she is coming from). When they were toddlers they had to eat one vegetable and then they could eat one chocolate drop. Now whilst we don’t really want to encourage sweets as a reward for eating good veggies….I understand that the kids were actually getting the vegetables in their mouths. So in this instance, even if for 2 weeks they ate 5 peas and 5 tiny chocolate drops, over the course of 2 weeks they would have tried and eaten the peas 35 times (this is 35 times more than) sit there and please just try one pea. Once they get used to the taste, texture etc. So you could even say to start with Stage 1 – say 7 days – eat 2 peas for every 1 choc drop. they get used to the taste etc. Stage 2 – eat 4 peas for every choc drop. Stage 3 – (forget the chocolate) you will get 10 mins of reading a special book (over and above normal reading).
Worse case scenario they have eaten a few little chocolate drops. In the scheme of things they have started the process. Just another thought.
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