I am sure many of you do this – I see comments all the time and hear it in conversation – you are struggling or feeling overwhelmed or have an illness, but you discount it when you realise others have it tougher. As if your own difficulties or pain were no longer valid or allowed to be mentioned.
“Why am I complaining when I only have 1 child and she has 3 children/ a child with special needs / no support and handles it just fine.”
“My illness is nothing, she is battling cancer/ chronic fatigue / infertility.”
“So what if my marriage sucks, at least I still have a husband, she is on her own now.”
It is like there is a system of trumps that goes on and if ours is not the worst there is then we apologise for even complaining or looking for support or just beat ourselves up quietly in our own heads – no one the wiser. Oh but I can see your thoughts. You are putting pressure on yourself to get on with it because it is not as bad as it could be.
I want you to stop that.
I caught myself just the other day when I posted my grateful (which usually only has a limited readership each week) and found it being read in large numbers and an outpouring of support at my admission of needing to go back on medication after years med-free. One of my friends in Sydney offered support in the comments and I found myself uncomfortable replying – embarrassed that she was offering me support and strength all while she battles breast cancer. I caught myself denying her support and feeling bad and stopped it. I have my own troubles and I know she was not thinking me weak for crumbling over “less than cancer” so to speak.
All pain, difficulty and suffering is not equal, but it is all valid.
We each are deserving of support, encouragement, help and understanding – no matter what. No judgement, no comparisons, no shame.
There is no “should” about it – no “should be able to”, no “should keep it to myself”, no “should know what I am doing”.
I hope that if you need help or someone to cut you some slack or in need of some space that you will ask for it or take it no matter what. Only you know what is too much for you to handle and when something is too much for you accept help, seek support and guidance, look for a shoulder or a hand and know that you are doing what you need – it does not matter what anyone else would do in your shoes because they never will be exactly in your shoes.
Whatever you feel and need is valid
Find your simple,
Deb
Linking up with jess for IBOT – check it out as there are sure to be some favourite posts amongst the dozens linked up
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for this post Deb. I have been struggling with this lately too. I feel like shit, but who am I to complain? I have a lovely husband, 3 beautiful healthy children, so what’s the problem? It’s hard not to put everyone you know on a scale of ‘deservedness’ of struggle… and putting yourself at the bottom. I’m trying to stop it too. x x
Gillian recently posted..The Step Father
I hope you do stop it Gill – thinking of you xx
Debra Dane recently posted..All suffering and difficulty is valid
This is so true. I often find myself in the frame of mind of telling myself to just ‘suck it up’ because someone, somewhere is worse off than me. There isn’t a hierarchy of pain or suffering or capability – we all go through hard times and deal with them in our own way. For me, it’s learning to cut myself some slack and realise that what I feel is okay.
Debbie @ Aspiring Mum recently posted..Enough.
hierarchy is a probably word i was looking for. thanks Deb xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Top 10 arts and crafts supplies for kids + giveaway
Liked this – we do all do it – sometimes we need to, and sometimes we need to allow ourselves to travel through the emotions for what they are.
Nice post!
Thanks Lydia. like that “travel through the emotions”
Debra Dane recently posted..Keeping the art of writing alive with our kids
This rings so true for me and I often catch my thoughts saying ‘eat some concrete and harden up’. But you are right, the things going on in my life that are upsetting me and causing me pain, are valid and I need to recognise them and deal with them. Great post Deb x
That’s it – each of us have the same need to recognize and deal with our problems however we need – whether they are enormous or not. xx
Debra Dane recently posted..4 ideas for kids to document everyday life
Thank you for this!! This is so true…and I think it’s something we all do. I know it’s certainly an issue for me. Even with my cancer stuff this year, I discount my own difficulties because I “only” had a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy, and I “only” had radiation and not chemo. Like it’s Cancer Lite or something!
While I am thankful for those things, it shouldn’t mean that I can’t acknowledge my own difficulties. But even so, I struggle at times and then heap shame upon myself for struggling when it’s “not that bad”. It’s silly and I should stop. Pain is pain.
You are helping so many people with your candour and honesty. And your willingness to actually DO something about what you’re dealing with. Thank you!! Hope this week is bright. xoxo
You are too beautiful Amy! I knew you would not deny me support but I never imagined that you too were thinking your cancer troubles were not as bad as some others etc. I hope you have not been denying yourself any support or comfort – you have a wonderful group of people ready and willing any time you need a hug, shoulder or just a chat xx (hoping to get down to Sydney in the next month and will do anything needed to hook up with you hon xx)
Debra Dane recently posted..Filling in the cracks
Simply, thank-you for continuing to share.
Shell recently posted..A quickie on creating
So nice to see you lately – thanks hon xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week 39 Parenting}
Thanks for a great post Deb. This is just what I needed to read. I have pooh poohed my difficulties for so long because of those exact reasons – I only have one (20yo) child, I have relatively good health, I have a great husband and a great home but those shouldn’t diminish the difficulties that I have to deal with. Thanks for making me step back and take another look at MY life and MY challenges and let me acknowledge that while they may not be as bad as what someone else is dealing with, they are still mine and are still valid.
Have the best week and thank you !
Me
Me recently posted..Random Things I Know
So glad it helped – our challenges are simply different – not more or less deserving of empathy and support
Debra Dane recently posted..Keeping the art of writing alive with our kids
Brilliantly written Deb. I struggle with this frequently as a part of a special needs community. My gorgeous boy doesn’t have an ID nor a shortened life expectancy so I can fall into the trap of thinking ‘I should’ be coping as I don’t have it as hard as others. I’m slowly learning who I can reach out to… who ‘gets it’… and finding the courage to do so.
That’s wonderful caz that you are working out who those people are – surround yourself with those that will help, those that inspire you and those that understand xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Filling in the cracks
Beautiful. I feel like you’ve written your last few posts just for me! x
Emily recently posted..Lots of things can go wrong with glass splashbacks
Thanks Em – I am so glad I wrote them then! xx
Debra Dane recently posted..A story to tell – Interview with Jane from Life on Planet Baby
A great perspective, I often do that too. We need to be kinder to ourselves I think. Big hugs to you.
Eleise recently posted..Marriage + Cleaning = Arguments
Thanks Eleise- we definitely need to be kinder to ourselves – we often are harder on ourselves than we ever would be to others
Debra Dane recently posted..Filling in the cracks
Wonderful post, again, Deb. And, so, so true. As someone who is deaf and going blind, I often feel many people don’t open up to me or if they do they’ll quickly say ‘oh, but this is nothing compared to you…’ and I really wish it wasn’t like that. I never for a minute compare hardships and it is really awkward when people do.
Kate recently posted..Something about Kate
I had never thought of that Kate – I hope people know they can open up to you and trust that you will be a great support and full of wisdom and love xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Grateful for a phone call
Great post. I’m struggling with this myself at the moment. Thanks, I really needed to read this today.
E recently posted..An award…I’m honoured!
I am so glad you read it then – big hugs to you xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Simplify your life {Week 40 Negative or Toxic people}
Guilty of it here, too. Our secondary infertility “journey” has been heart breaking. And it’s not only me who thinks we need to get over it and be thankful for what we DO have, but others remind me of that often, too. It hurts like hell. And yes, we are very lucky. But being lucky doesn’t stop it hurting. While I still feel my pain, I make sure to also be thankful for our journey, because yes, it could be a much longer, harder road. But it is still a difficult one.
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset recently posted..Wordless Wednesday : The Flower Edition
Big hugs hon – yes you can be grateful for what you DO have at the same time feel your own pain and anger and sadness – they can live side by side
Debra Dane recently posted..A story to tell – Interview with Jane from Life on Planet Baby
Thankyou! I have a bad habit of keeping things to myself, unfortunately sometimes they come out in one big outburst, much to the surprise of everyone who cops it (they should know me by now). I really need to speak up and say I’m not coping, or I need your help, even from people who I think don’t need to be fussed because of their own problems and worries.
Alicia O’Brien recently posted..Beautiful day in Beachport
Definitely ask for help. You know what is interesting as well about those people who have their own worries – some of them might appreciate 1) knowing someone else is struggling too and 2) might like to finally be of support to someone else instead of focusing on their worries or beign the one needing help xx
Debra Dane recently posted..Grateful for a phone call
Thanks for putting this out there Deb! I recently went to my GP after a year being on meds, pretty much expecting her to say that I could come off them. I was disappointed when she handed me a repeat script, but after talking it through with her, and my husband, it is the best option for the next 6 months at least. Reading your post has made me feel much better, knowing that I’m not alone. I’m here for you Deb! Really hope to meet you one of these days xx
Alice recently posted..Music is…FUN!
I am so glad this post helped you Alice – I really know that feeling of wanting to be off meds when you feel ok – it almost prevented me going back on them – know that doing what is best for you is more important than a label of on meds or off meds. I hope to meet you too one day xxx
Debra Dane recently posted..4 ideas for kids to document everyday life
That last sentence sums it up succinctly for me ‘it does not matter what anyone else would do in your shoes because they never will be exactly in your shoes”. As you have reminded me on many occasions, there is no one way for all, just the way it is for each of us, individually.
Beautifully written too!
kirri recently posted..The value of creating rituals for your children.